JOKE

[Malt 379]

A dual carriageway and a motorway are having a pint in the pub.

All of a sudden, there's a hell of a noise outside, and in charges this skinny, mean looking strip of tarmac.

The motorway goes white, and says to the carriageway, "Oh for christ sake! Drink up, we're off!"

The carriageway looked at the motorway, and laughed, "Your not scared of that little strip of tarmac, are you? Look at the size of you!"

The motorway downed it's pint in one, got up and said, "Well, you do what you want. don't say I havn't warned you, he's nuts that fella, he's a well known CYCLEPATH!"

 

 

Brian finds out that his wife is having an affair. Brian is talking to his closest mate, Burt. So, the're having a quiet talk in the dark corner of their local pub. Brian asks Burt what should he do, he says if she leaves him, she'll take the lot. So Burt tells him about his mate Archie. Burt tells him that Archie gets a thrill out of harming women, and if he wants rid of his wife, Archie's the man for the job. Brian then asks if it will cost him anything. Burt tells him that Archie will do it for nothing, but to give him a pound for half a pint. Burt take the pound to give to Archie, and asks if his wife still works in the local Tesco.

The next day, Archie goes into tesco and spots the wife serving behind the till. He waits in line patiently, and as he gets there, he leaps across the conveyer, and strangles the wife to death. The woman on the next till starts screaming, and by this point, Archie is wound up, so he leaps across to the other till and strangles her as well.

The police turn up and Archie is duly arrested.

The next day, due to a mistake by a myopic typist at the local newspaper, the headline on the front page read:

 

 

ARCHIECHOKES TWO FOR A POUND, AT THE LOCAL TESCO!

[big d 1]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping

to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a Little old

Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

 

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

 

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!

I should kill you, but I must find water first."

 

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that". "If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

 

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

 

 

"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."

[6pack 60]

Women - know your limits!

[Malt 379]

Two English tourists are walking through the Welsh countryside.

They stop to drink some water out of a stream. A welsh farmer standing nearby, shouts out in Welsh, "Don't drink that water, my cows have been pissing and sh*ting in that, further up the mountain!"

One of the tourists shouts back, "I'm sorry old boy, I can't speak that gobbledegook, could you please repeat yourself in the Queen's English?"

The farmer gives them a freindly wave and shouts, "Drink all you want, that's the finest water in all of Wales!"

[Malt 379]

Fellow up in court on murder charges.

 

Judge says "You are hereby charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer"

 

and a voice from the back of the courtroom says "you f**king b*****d"

 

The judge carries on "You are also charged with battering your son to death with a hammer"

 

and a voice from the back says "you lousy f**king p**k"

 

At this point the judge stops "now listen, I understand the delicate nature of this case, but one more outburst like that and I shall hold you in contempt of court, now what is the meaning of this?"

 

And the voice says back " I've lived next to that b*****d for years and everytime I went round there to borrow a hammer he said he hadn't got one"