pointer28 1 Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman came into the clubhouse, grimacing in pain. "what happened"? the club pro asked. "i got stung by a bee" she replied. "where?" asks the pro "between the first and second holes" she replied. " hhmmmm" the pro murmured."sounds like your stance was a little to wide"!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One afternoon a young lady called in on her neighbour for a chat, she walked in and said "you look depressed" "you bet i am" replied the neighbour.."look at what my bloody husband did..he sent me 2 dozen roses, now im gonna have to spend the entire weekend flat on my back with my legs open" "dont be silly" said the first woman,"why dont u just use a vase"? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One sunday afternnon, superman was flying about.. crime was slow that day, so he called over to spiderman "hey spidey lets go for a beer"..no can do, said spidey, my web shooter is giving probs!! so superman goes over to the batcave.."hey batman lets go for a beer". "not today my friend, the batmobile is getting the exhausts fixed,for the NCT test next week" Disgruntled, superman flies around the sky, passing over a penthouse, when he sees Wonderwoman, lying stark naked on the balcony.. so he zooms down and thanks to his superspeed, shags her in a flash, and is gone before anyone notices.. all of a sudden Wonderwoman sits up and says "what was that?" "i dont know" said the invisible man "but it hurt like hell!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A salesman was travelling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it." The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you." The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.' Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What does that tell you?' good jokeWatson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.' Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stork 1 Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 (edited) There good ones. Edited January 13, 2008 by stork Quote Link to post Share on other sites
landrover 6 Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 definately some good ones there Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mooster 1 Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 insect repellant made me laugh the most! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
davyt63 1,845 Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman came into the clubhouse, grimacing in pain. "what happened"? the club pro asked. "i got stung by a bee" she replied. "where?" asks the pro "between the first and second holes" she replied. " hhmmmm" the pro murmured."sounds like your stance was a little to wide"!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One afternoon a young lady called in on her neighbour for a chat, she walked in and said "you look depressed" "you bet i am" replied the neighbour.."look at what my bloody husband did..he sent me 2 dozen roses, now im gonna have to spend the entire weekend flat on my back with my legs open" "dont be silly" said the first woman,"why dont u just use a vase"? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One sunday afternnon, superman was flying about.. crime was slow that day, so he called over to spiderman "hey spidey lets go for a beer"..no can do, said spidey, my web shooter is giving probs!! so superman goes over to the batcave.."hey batman lets go for a beer". "not today my friend, the batmobile is getting the exhausts fixed,for the NCT test next week" Disgruntled, superman flies around the sky, passing over a penthouse, when he sees Wonderwoman, lying stark naked on the balcony.. so he zooms down and thanks to his superspeed, shags her in a flash, and is gone before anyone notices.. all of a sudden Wonderwoman sits up and says "what was that?" "i dont know" said the invisible man "but it hurt like hell!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A salesman was travelling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it." The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you." The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.' Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What does that tell you?' good jokeWatson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.' Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.' hi pionter invisible man made me laugh.its good to have the craic davy Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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