MORE JOKES

[tote 870]

Two old men - Bert and Sid - were sitting on a park bench. Bert turns

to Sid and says, "Do you think there are football teams in Heaven?" Sid

thinks for a minute and replies: "I don't know, mate, but let's make a

deal. Whichever of us dies first has to come back and tell the other if

there's any football in Heaven." They shake on it, and sadly, a few

months later poor Bert passes on. Some days afterwards, Sid is sitting in

the park when he hears a voice whisper, "Sid... Sid..." Sid responds:

"Bert! Is that you?" "Yes, it is," whispers the spirit of Bert. Sid,

still amazed, asks: "So there is football in Heaven?" "Well," whispers

Bert, "I've got good news and bad news." "Give me the good news first,"

says Sid. Bert whispers, "Well, there is football in Heaven." Sid asks:

"And what's the bad news?" Bert sighs and whispers: "You're playing next

Saturday."

 

 

 

A rooster and a cat are walking over water on a bridge. The cat

slips and falls down into the water. The rooster starts laughing

hysterically. What's the moral of this story?

 

Wherever there is a wet pussy there is a happy cock!

 

 

 

 

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic

condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

 

When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's

just made.

 

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

 

"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."

 

"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.

 

"Gold of course," says the proud man.

 

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver--it would be nice

if you came second for a change!"

 

 

 

 

An AUSTRALIAN farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

 

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting

pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

 

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination

 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not

wanting to display his ignorance,asks the vet how he will know when the

sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around

and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

 

The man hangs up and gives it some thought and comes to the conclusion

that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep

himself.

 

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the

woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next

morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

 

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he thinks that the

first try didn't take,and loads them in the Land Rover again.

 

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good

measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes

to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells

himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

 

He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls

listlessly into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out

of the window.

 

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the

grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is

beeping the horn."

 

 

 

 

 

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

 

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

 

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

 

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

 

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

 

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

 

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

 

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

 

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[dobby 1]

very good

[tatty 101]