TOMMY COOPERISM'S

[tote 870]

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy

marijuana,press the hash key..."

 

 

 

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for

shorts.The

shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

 

 

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't

find any.

 

 

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks

are too

high."

 

 

 

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him

in.

 

 

 

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know

you

can't, I've cut your arms off".

 

 

 

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

 

 

 

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your

kayak and

heat it.

 

 

 

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with

hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

 

 

 

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc

says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

 

 

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That

sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

 

 

 

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is

there

anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a

look at

him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his

teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because

he's

cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

 

 

 

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up

my

backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

 

 

 

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

 

 

 

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

 

 

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you

give

me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go

for

it.'

 

 

 

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5

people

in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.

Or

my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think

it's

Colin.

 

 

 

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The

other

one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

 

 

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,

the

other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one

off.

 

 

 

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They

left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that

was

nice."

 

 

 

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in

several

places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

 

 

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a

small

two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and

rescue

workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to

climb

as digging continues into the night.

[Kay 3,709]

:whistle: god there terrible but there again i would laugh if my arse was on fire

[Guest Macnas]

I've heard them all before and I still laugh, good stuff mate.

[dobby 1]

easy with the irish ones dont want to upset em

 

 

dobby

[Guest Macnas]

I'd take a damn sight more than that I can tell you. I never took too much notice of paddy jokes, we have plenty brit gags here to counter that.

 

It's when some bollix starts running someone down n exclusion to everything else that I get annoyed. You take the odd paddy gag or whatever, as told by some fellow in a pub or club, and he's basically talking about someone like him or herself. Irish folk are very akin to Brit folk in so many ways.

 

But when a guy makes a fecking career out of it, then it's just bad form.

I have a lot in common with ordinary Brit people, always get on well with them when i meet them. I have more in common with them than with anyone else, truth be told.

I have no problem with the differences that separate us, they go a long way in defineing who I am. But when someone starts putting someone down for what makes them different, well, thats bigoted and nothing else.

There's more of a laugh to be had at what we have in common than at what divides us.

[Guest laurav]

thoose jokes are quiet funny actually lol

[Guest Lurcherbitch]

They did make me laugh, but this one....

 

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is

there

anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a

look at

him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his

teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because

he's

cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

 

:laugh:

Edited March 27, 2007 by Lurcherbitch