one liners

[marko 30]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

 

 

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

 

 

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in

front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was

standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3

hours later and they're still walking about with it...

I thought to myself, 'these chaps have lost the plot!!'

 

I was at a cash-point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check

her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

 

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused

permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but

we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

 

(Well, that took a second read...until I re-pronounced Abu Dhabi Do!)

 

 

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our

local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.1415927 dead. (Think about it !) (I thought about it and am still puzzled)

 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a

gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

seconds.’

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

 

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their

newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it....

I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

 

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I've got the big C,"he said.

"What, cancer?"

"No, dyslexia."

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

A Scottish paedophile is in dispute with eBay. He claims that the

GameBoy he received wasn't what he was expecting.

 

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

 

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more

difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing

uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought,

'What a good idea: why don’t we have them in Britain?'

[scothunter 12,609]

[mick c 411]