jokes

[Guest thebigdog]

A Small Pie

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.

When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'

'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'

'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.'

 

 

All Paid For

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to The pub together. The Englishman spent £30, The Irishman spent £50 and The Scotsman spent a very pleasant evening indeed.

 

 

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were carpenters and were boasting about The high degree of accuracy they used in their work.

'I work to The nearest hundredth of an inch,' said The Englishman.

'I work to The nearest thousandth of an inch,' said The Scotsman.

That wouldn't do me at all,' said The Irishman, 'I have to get it dead right.'

[alan626 305]

very good keep them coming

[Guest thebigdog]

Building Trade

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman applied for a job on a building site but The foreman was not anxious to employ them.

'Lift this two-ton boulder,' he said to The Englishman. The Englishman couldn't so he didn't get The job.

'Empty this thousand gallon tank with a teaspoon,' he said to The Scotsman. The Scotsman couldn't, so he didn't get The job either.

'Wheel a barrow of smoke across The site for me,' he said to The Irishman.

'Certainly,' said The Irishman, 'just fill it up for me.'

 

 

 

Dead Poker

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were playing poker together but The Irishman had no luck at all. He lost game after game after game until his money was nearly all gone. Then finally in The small hours of The morning he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw that he had drawn four aces. As The stakes rose higher and higher The tension became too much for The Scotsman who lurched forward across The table -dead.

'What will we do?' said The Englishman.

'Out of respect for The dead,' said The Irishman, 'I propose that we play this hand standing up.'

 

 

 

Irishmen in an Aussie bar

A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.

 

'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'

 

'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'

 

'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'

 

'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.

 

'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'

 

'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'

 

'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'

 

'God in heaven. So was I.'

 

Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Not too busy at the moment. In fact there's just the Murphy twins here.'

 

 

 

 

Our own party

Casey had followed Murphy back to his flat. Drunkenly they'd stumbled the half mile from the Jolly Toper pub to celebrate Murphy's birthday.

 

'I've got it all organised,' said he, 'we'll have a party just you and I.'

 

Entering the Murphy domicile Casey spotted the living room table covered in crates of beer and bottles of whiskey, brandy and rum. On a plate on the side were two slices of bread.

 

'Is it a party we're having?' he asked.

 

'It is so!' answered Murphy.

 

'Well,' said Casey, 'what's all the bread for?'

[just jack 998]

dont bother

i thought mine were bad