how to give a cat a pill

[nod 285]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

 

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your

left arm as if holding a baby.

 

 

 

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side

of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks

while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,

pop pill into mouth.

 

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

 

 

 

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy

pill away.

 

 

 

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,

holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

 

 

 

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth

with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from

top of wardrobe.

 

 

 

 

 

Call spouse in from the garden.

 

 

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly

between knees, hold front and rear paws.

 

 

 

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to

hold head firmly with one hand while forcing

wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and

rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

 

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

 

 

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy

new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep

shattered figurines and vases from hearth and

set to one side for gluing later.

 

 

 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to

lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

 

 

 

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth

open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

 

 

 

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to

humans and drink one beer to take taste away.

Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove

blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

 

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

 

 

 

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in

cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head

showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.

Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard

door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of

scotch. Pour shot, drink.

 

 

 

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records

for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress

to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.

Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

 

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat

from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize

to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving

to avoid cat.

 

 

 

Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

 

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed,

tie the little *%^'s front paws to rear paws with

garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.

Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet

steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and

pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

 

 

 

 

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to

drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while

doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way

home to order new table.

 

 

 

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from

hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any

hamsters.

 

 

 

 

How To Give A Dog A Pill

 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

2. Toss it in the air.

[skinner 348]

very good an easy way , shoot fecking cat put pill in mouth then cat in wheeli bin :crazy: