chimp 299 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her" Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?" CLICK,BANG Paddy "OK, done that, what next? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
its ma baw 51 Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 Teacher draws a penis on the blackboard and asks class what it is.... Wee johnny shouts out, Yes miss, my dad has 2 of them. Two, she replies? Aye miss, says johnny, a small one for peeing with and a large one for cleaning the babysitters teeth!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chimp 299 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chimp 299 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself Quote Link to post Share on other sites
.terrier man. 193 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 A mans walking down the street when he sees a sign in a shop window. Pork pies 50p/ Handjobs a £1. He goes in and sees the most beautiful girl ever. He asks "Are you the girl giving handjobs for a pound"? She says "Yes"..........He says "Wash yer hands then ya dirty bitch a want a pie"!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
its ma baw 51 Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chimp 299 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache!" "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 How is a monkey like a chainsaw? They both f**k up trees! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chimp 299 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 I was round my girlfriend's the other day, she was doing us dinner. She was a bit rushed so she told me to turn the veg on. Apparantly fingering her wheelchair bound sister wasn't what she meant Quote Link to post Share on other sites
GET THEM OUT (.)(.) 39 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache!" "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you." il let you know how that one goes, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 Whats worse than getting raped by Jack the ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chimp 299 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 During this current cold spell, I pop round to see my gran every morning, put the empty milk bottles out on the step and clear the junk mail out of the letter box, you know the kind of thing. The neighbours all think it's really sweet of me. Actually, she's been dead three weeks but, what the f**k. Until someone finds out, I'm getting free milk and newspapers. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chimp 299 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 4 immigrants were suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 I was round my girlfriend's the other day, she was doing us dinner. She was a bit rushed so she told me to turn the veg on. Apparantly fingering her wheelchair bound sister wasn't what she meant Oh were turning it up a notch... Whats the first sign of Aids? A pounding sensation in the arse! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chimp 299 Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 I was round my girlfriend's the other day, she was doing us dinner. She was a bit rushed so she told me to turn the veg on. Apparantly fingering her wheelchair bound sister wasn't what she meant Oh were turning it up a notch... Whats the first sign of Aids? A pounding sensation in the arse! lol i could get a lot worse ( as in frankie boyle worse) but i will refrain Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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