ferret kid 5 Posted July 13, 2008 Report Share Posted July 13, 2008 What Use All Think Joke 1. A Highway Trooper is surprised to find a nun behind the wheel of the car he has pulled over. "I'm terribly sorry maam but its not safe to do 35 mph on the interstate." "But all the signs said 35," she replied. "Those are route signs, maam. This is route 35". At this point he looks in the back seat to see two more nuns, mouths ajar, eyes wide open, in an obvious state of shock. "What’s the matter?" he asks. "Oh, we just pulled off of route 99." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joke 2 Hunter Vs. Bear A hunter is sitting in a tree overlooking a clearing when a bear walks right out into the middle. The hunter takes aim and fires, the bear goes down. He leaps from his perch, rushes down the trail and into the clearing. The bear is gone. The hunter is tapped on the shoulder, he turns to see the bear who says, "Alright hunter, you try to screw me, I'm going to screw you!" The bear then throws the hunter against a tree, pulls his pants down and has his way with him. The hunter, infuriated, goes to a gun shop and buys the biggest gun he can find and returns to his spot and waits until the bear appears again. He takes careful aim, fires and the bear goes down. Down the tree and through the trail he goes into the clearing only to find it empty. The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder and turns to see the bear who says, "You don't come here for the hunting, do you boy?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joke 3 Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one second. St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joke 4 A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joke 5 The little farm boy storms out of the house, mad about being ordered to do his chores. In the barnyard, he kicks the rooster. Near the barn, he kicked a hog. In the corral, he kicked the family's milk cow. His mother saw all this and stormed out after him. "I saw you kick that rooster; just for that, you'll get no eggs. And I saw you kick that hog; just for that, you'll get no bacon. And I saw you kick the cow; just for that, you'll get no milk!" His father heard the yelling, came out of the barn, tripping over the cat and nearly falling, after which, he booted the poor animal out of his way. The cat ran screeching into the barn. The little boy looked up at his mother and said, "You want to tell him or shall I?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joke 6 One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joke 7 The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation. "Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way." The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no." "Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no." "Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?" The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea." The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!" Just thought i would do this because i was bored Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scothunter 12,609 Posted July 13, 2008 Report Share Posted July 13, 2008 why did the shower heads in aushwitz have 12 holes? cz the jews have 10 fingers Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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