FUNNY

[The one 8,627]

A cross-section survey of 1000 typical people in the UK, made up of:

 

Afghans

 

Pakistanis

 

Indians,

 

Poles,

 

Iraqis,

 

Somalis,

 

Africans,

 

Albanians,

 

Bosnians,

 

Turks,

 

Geordies,

 

Brummies,

 

Glaswegians

 

and

Liverpudlians

 

were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to "Euro".

 

99% said NO, they were quite happy with the "Giro".

[The one 8,627]

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

 

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

 

The Water representative said, "Hey Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

 

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

 

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence..... and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

 

The Rep was clearly terrified...... so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

 

......."Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

[The one 8,627]

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been

able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you!" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.

On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

" I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.

" There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

" Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says.

The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"

[The one 8,627]

Subject: Supportive husbands

 

Newspaper article.....

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

 

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

 

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

 

 

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it