Lol

[The one 8,628]

I found myself in a pub in County Cork.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice :

"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers.

I bet 5,000 euros that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent; the American noticed one Irishman leaving.

No one took up the bet.

Forty minutes later the Irishman who had left earlier returned, and said,

"Hey Yank, is your bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "Thirty pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money." said the American.

"But tell me, when I first offered the bet I saw you leave.

Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied:

"Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like

me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

 

[The one 8,628]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,

by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 

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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,

So I did; she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

 

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.

Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me,

Just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

 

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low-

cut tops, although they do make me look a bit gay.

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl

In his class give him a hand-job.

I said: "Son, that's 3 schools this year!

You'd better stop before you're banned

From teaching altogether."

 

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.

Could only use it for half an hour,

As I started to feel sick.

It's great though; it provides me with everything I need:

Kit-Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Potato chips, the lot."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in AUSTRALIA?

17% said yes;

11% said no;

72% said:

"I am not understanding the question please.".

 

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A man calls 000 and says:

"I think my wife is dead."

The operator says:

"How do you know?"

He says:

"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.

Well, she's not

Exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

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A wife says to her husband:

"You're always pushing me around and talking

Behind my back."

And he says:

"What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"

 

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get

Reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said: "You obviously haven't been listening."

 

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My wife has been missing a week now.

The police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I went down toLifeline to get all of her clothes back.

 

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I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for

The new children's-oriented iPod

After realizing that "I-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.

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[The one 8,628]

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little b*****d.

[The one 8,628]

A Special Package for Businessmen

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

New SIM to surprise her husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen.

Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children,I'm living with one of yours he needs a lot of improvement"

Throwing knives at wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

Habit of talking in sleep.
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Doctor: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

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Your husband needs rest.

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

[The one 8,628]

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
Was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
Innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
Didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3.. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
Finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
And out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
Sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
Tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
Asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
Tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
Children's' sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
Down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
Microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
Old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
Shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
Tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
Teaching my son in maths?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
Son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
Was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8.. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... And so Chicken Little
Went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
Falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
Farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[The one 8,628]

'Viagra' is now available

in Tea Bags.

It doesn't enhance Your Sexual Performance

but it does stop Your Biscuit Going Soft.

[The one 8,628]

On a bitterly cold winter morning an Irish husband and wife in Dublin were

listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through"So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through" The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said to herhusband, "I really don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

[The one 8,628]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,

"What's your occupation?"

"I am a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I am a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

"I am an elite poultry farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."

"Poultry Farmer it is…"

[The one 8,628]

Jack, age 92, and Jill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "Yes"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents’ list..."