JOKES

[tote 870]

There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

 

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hareplane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties....."

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, cause if dis plane goes down, honey dey always look for da black box first .

 

 

 

 

Donald Rumsfeld is giving his daily briefing to George Bush on the Iraq war.

 

He concludes by saying "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

 

"OH NO" the President exclaims, thats terrible!

 

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits with his head in his hands.

 

Finally, the President looks up and asks "How many is a brazillion?

 

 

 

 

 

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an

examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer,

and you'd best put your affairs in order."

 

O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walked

into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

 

"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate

when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have

cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There

were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached

by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the

two were celebrating.

 

O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end.

"I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

 

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple

of more beers.

 

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered,

"Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just

told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

 

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother

after I'm gone."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An English DJ was struggling to maintain his audience..so he devised a phone in competition with a considerably large cash prize.

 

He devised a word assosciated game and asked listeners to call in with a word that was used in every day life-but was not in the Oxford dictionary.

 

Several weeks passed and no callers received- then suddenly the light lit up on the competition Hot line...."hello caller-welcome to the programme-you have a word for us i believe ?"....Yes said the wee Scots voice- "what is your word" ?

 

The word is GOAN........the DJ looked up the dictionary and couldnt find the word so asked the wee Scot for his sentence......GOAN F**K YOURSELF was the reply....understandably the DJ cut the call short.

 

A few hours later the Hoptline lit up..." hello caller whats your word.....SMEE said the caller....check of dictionary again NO sign of word--"wots your sentence " ?

 

SMEE AGAIN SO GOAN F**K YOURSELF.....