tote 857 Posted March 15, 2007 Report Share Posted March 15, 2007 A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down he aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh!t all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!" A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, Because I fu**ing didn't!" An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your licence please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers... The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies Fred and Mary use a code for sex, the code word is "washing machine". That night Fred whispers to Mary "washing machine", mary says not tonight dear i'm tired. Ten minutes later she feels guilty and whispers to Fred "washing machine" too late says Fred, it was only a small load so i did it by hand Once again little johnny delivers ! The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. > > Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's >farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." > > >The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word >"fascinate, not fascinating". > > >Sally raised her hand. She said,"My family went to see Rock City and I >was fascinated." > > >The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use >the word "fascinate." > > >Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had >been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no >way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. > > >Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits >are so big she can only fasten eight." > > >The teacher sat down and cried. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dobby 1 Posted March 16, 2007 Report Share Posted March 16, 2007 some good ones there mate dobby Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest lamper/gatherer Posted March 16, 2007 Report Share Posted March 16, 2007 quality mate. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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