A Message from John Cleese

[bullmastiff 615]

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of

America:

 

 

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and

Thus

to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen

Elizabeth

II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and

territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

 

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for

America

without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be

disbanded.

 

 

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of

you

noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules

are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation"

in the

 

Oxford English Dictionary.

 

1. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You

will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

2. The letter '[bANNED TEXT]' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and

"neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without

skipping

half the letters, and the suffix - ize will be replaced by the suffix -

ise.

 

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels. (Look up "vocabulary").

 

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

such as

 

"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let

Microsoft

know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to

take

account of the reinstated letter "[bANNED TEXT]" and the elimination of - ize. You

will

relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

 

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers, or

 

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

that

 

you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled

by

adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing

someone

or speaking to a therapist then you're certainly not grown up enough to

handle a gun.

 

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you

wish to

carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

 

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean.

 

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

start

driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will

go

metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British

sense

of humour.

 

 

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries

are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips

are

properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,

and

dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer

 

at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as

beer,

and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to

as

Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,

so

that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play

English

 

characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four

Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears

removed

with a cheese grater.

 

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds

or

wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Nancies).

 

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an

 

event called the World Series for a game, which is not played outside

of

America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond

your

borders, your error is understandable.

 

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

monies

due (backdated to 1776).

 

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never

mugs,

with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

 

John Cleese

[pointer28 1]