jokes

[Guest thebigdog]

-Just got back from the pub and I've been robbed

 

Not much was stolen, just my treasured mood ring

 

Im not sure how to feel about it.

 

 

-I've arranged for a babysitter to come round on Monday evening.

 

I'm not planning on going out and I don't have any kids, I just figure that if a teenage girl is free to babysit on Valentine's day then at least nobody will miss her.

 

 

-On my way to buy some lunch I was stopped in the street by a woman doing market research.

 

She asked me what grooming products I use, you should have seen the look on her face when I said, "Facebook, a packet of Haribo and some puppies".

 

 

-My ex-girlfriend said the chance of me making her scream with something only 4 inches long was non-existent. I believe I proved her wrong with my Swiss army knife

 

 

-Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

[hullhunter 219]

:thumbs: :thumbs:

 

 

 

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

 

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie.

 

 

 

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

 

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

 

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

 

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

 

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

 

 

 

 

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

 

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

 

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

 

"And what does that mean to you?"

 

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

 

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

 

 

 

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

 

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

 

 

 

 

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

 

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

 

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

 

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Edited February 12, 2011 by hullhunter