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[DogMagic 461]

As a Christian I was deeply offended by tonight's Top Gear where it was suggested that the the new 'Stig' was born in Israel.

 

The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridulous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him.

 

Whereas Jesus...

 

I am absolutely sick of cold turkey now.

 

I am just gonna give up and go back to smoking crack.

 

I made a house out of black ice today

 

I'm going to call it a niglu

 

‎'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

 

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

 

I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning.

 

The cruel c**t didn't even flinch when it was killed. He was too busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.

 

I saved an absolute fortune in the Boxing Day sales yesterday.

 

I love being a shoplifter.

 

Hugh Hefner is again married at the age of 84.

 

I'm beginning to wonder if it's just a game of 'pass the parcel' and whoever Hugh finally dies on, wins.

 

I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."

 

They might as well just say, "He's a c**t, but you'll get used to it."

 

Royal request to the Sun:

 

Please do not describe the Snowmobile that Camilla got for Christmas as a "One horse open sleigh".

 

I got halfway through my christmas log on saturday when I thought...

 

I can't wait to finish this so I can wipe my arse and go and enjoy some festive cake!

 

3 pregnant Irish women sitting knitting. One says to the other "i hope mine is a boy cos I'm using blue wool the second says i hope mine's a girl cos im using pink wool and the third sais i hope mines a spastic cos I f****d the arms up!

 

I call my wife 'The Mogwai'.

 

You should never feed the fat bitch after midnight, and for fook sake don't ever get her wet.

 

Sound travels through water about 4 times faster than air... so the quickest way to get your point across to someone is to drown them.

 

I walked past the cashpoint earlier and an old lady asked me if I could help check her balance.

 

So I pushed her over.

 

‎84 year old Hugh Hefner has just got engaged to former Playmate, 24 year old Crystal Harris.

 

The most pertinent part of their prenuptial agreement was as follows:

 

Please don't ever iron my cock, - it'll always be wrinkly...