BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE

[barraboy 28]

BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE: A message from John

Cleese to the citizens of the United States of

America):

 

In light of your failure to elect a competent

President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we

hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign

Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical

duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories

(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a

governor for America without the need for further

elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to

determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the

transition to a British Crown Dependency, the

following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English

Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the

pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how

wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'

will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell

'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the

suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your

vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with

filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an

unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let

Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft

spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the

reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You

will relearn your original national anthem,

God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without

using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you

need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're

not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only

be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to

sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a

therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a

gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own

or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable

peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry

a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and

this is for your own good. When we show you German

cars, you will understand what we mean. All

intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and

you will start driving on the left with immediate

effect. At the same time, you will go metric with

immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which

you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon.

Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you

call French fries are not real chips, and those things

you insist on calling potato chips are properly called

crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,

and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is

not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper

British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and

European brews of known and accepted provenance will

be referred to as Lager. American brands will be

referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all

can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast

English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be

required to cast English actors to play English

characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English

dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an

experience akin to having one's ears removed with a

cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is

only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to

play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest

every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body

armour like a bunch of nancies).

 

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not

reasonable to host an event called the World Series

for a game which is not played outside of America.

Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is

understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us

mad.

 

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from

Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to

1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

 

made me laugh anyway

[nelson 0]

We've had it now,one of them will read it - believe it and start bombing us,

[targa 5]

And french (from france?? ) fries (chips= friet!) ARE COMING FROM BELGIUM and are eaten with MAYONAISE!!!

Serial made 350hp cars in a country where the speed limit is 60miles/ph is making everybody laugh.

Its absolutly unneccesary to shoot rockets to the moon.

And please stay away from British columbia, before the American eagle is a greasy dripping bird.

And its not 9/11, but 11/9, the eleventh day of september, ok?

 

:11: héhé, that's making my mind free for a moment.

[nelson 0]

Come onlads,lets not start nockin' the good ol' US of A,there are loads of things good to come out of the place,like er,well there's erm,well there must be something :11:

[barney 0]

Superb!Cheered me up after a shit day at work :11:

[Guest yachbee]

Cars,air craft for starters.Hummm...the most sophisticated defence the world has ever seen.We landed on the moon! What have yall been up too lately? Ahhh yes, harry potter,but of corse!

 

You guys had your chance! Now sit back and drink your tea lol

 

Naww I got a good laugh outa that post...Made my day

[nelson 0]

:11: Cars,is that what you call them

 

Aircraft-with stolen or bought British technology

 

No only messing,got a lot of friends over there,good people,just eat a lot

 

And if in Utah,don't go fishing with a mormon :11: