Gordon

[LDR 29]

While on his morning walk, PM Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the nearest A&E dept is too understaffed to treat hm in time.

 

So his soul arrives at heaven and he is met by St peter at the pearly gates.

 

Welcome to heaven says St Peter, before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a socialist around these parts, so we are not sure what to do with you.

 

No problem, just let me in, i'm a good christian and a believer, says the PM

 

I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from god himself. He says since the implementation of the new heavens choices policy, you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven, then you must choose where you wish to spend eternity.

 

But I've already made up my mind I want to be in heaven, says Brown

 

I'm sorry we have our rules says st Peter, and escorts him to an elevator and he goes down down down all the way to hell.

 

As the door opens he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course, the sun is shining in a cloudless sky and the temperature is a perfect 22 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other socialists, luminaries that had helped him out over the years, John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan etc. The whole of the labour party leaders are there. Everyone is happy and laughing, casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him and hug him to reminisce about the good times they all had getting rich at the expense of suckers and peasants.

 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar, the devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, " have a tequilla and relax Gord "

 

Uh, I cant drink anymore, I took a pledge says Brown dejectedly.

 

This is Hell son you can drink and eat all you like and not worry and it just gets better from there.

 

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the devil, who he thinks is a very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the one labour pulled with the European Constitution and the education, immigration and tough on crimes promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, It's time to go. everyone hugs him and waves to him as brown steps on the elevator and heads upwards.

 

" now its time to visit heaven" the old man says opening the gate.

 

so for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good natured country folk who enjoy each others company, talk about things other than money and treat each other with decency. Not a nasty prank or un PC joke amongst them, no fancy country clubs here though the food is great it's not lobster and caviar and these people are all poor, he doesn't see anyone he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special.

 

" Whoa" he says uncomfortably to himself, " harold Wilson never prepared me for this"

 

The day done St peter returns and says " well you've spent a day in Heaven and Hell now choose where you want to live for eternity"

 

With the deal or no deal theme playing softly in the background Brown reflects for a minute then answers.... " Well I never would have thought i'd say this, I mean heaven was delightful and all, but I really think I belong with my friends."

 

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down down down all the way to hell.

 

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste, a bit like the eroded rabbit and fox affected Australian Outback just worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all his friends dressed in rags and chained together picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags, they are all groaning and moaning with pain faces and hands black with grime.

 

The devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder " I I don't understand" Brown stammers shocked and bewildered, " Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse we ate lobster and drank tequila, we lazed around and had a great time ! now there is just a wasteland full of garbage and everyone looks miserable."

 

The Devil looks at Brown, smiles and purrs, " Yesterday we were Campaigning, Today you voted for us !

[Tallyho 181]

very good and jsut about right