Thought you might like this one

[Guest Lurcherbitch]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local

church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps

falling

asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

 

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will

be

able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at

specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

 

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the

preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for

you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

 

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

 

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones

nodded

off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he

asked the

congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

 

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

 

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again

winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he

picked up

the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook

as

signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

 

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him

his

99th son?"

 

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned

thing in

me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

 

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Guest Mac]

Tom called in to see his friend Angus to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."

 

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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

 

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An Irish farmer was in his field digging up his spuds. An American farmer looked over the fence and said

"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

 

The Irish farmer replied " Aye, but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

 

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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Irish whisky. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

 

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There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

 

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

 

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

 

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

 

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Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

 

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An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

 

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.

 

"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."

 

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At an auction in Dublin a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall an irish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

 

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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The irishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in ireland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Scottsman says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in scotland. In scotland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the scottsman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

 

[Guest CharlieC]

brilliant Mac :11: :11: