Genius

[Guest MOLLY]

The Genius of Peter Kay

 

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid

problem?

 

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I

realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him

to forgive me.

 

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. >>For

ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

 

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go

swimming.

 

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on

with my real ladder.

 

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered

French toast during the Renaissance.

 

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But

one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my

bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was

sticks and stones all the way.

 

8 ) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why

he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

 

9) S*x is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd

better have a good hand.

 

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said

'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

 

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of

meat?

 

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give

the wrong answers.

 

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.