Joke time

[Guest The Big Fish]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

 

 

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

 

 

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if t he weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

 

 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

 

 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

 

 

"Yes, I do." said Bob

 

 

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

 

 

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

 

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

 

 

Bob's face turned beet red< and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

 

 

"She just died and left me everything."

 

 

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I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

 

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.

 

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

 

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

 

 

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

 

 

 

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A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady

 

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The woman below replied,

 

"You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

 

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

 

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

 

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

 

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

 

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f*cking fault."

[nelson 0]

[Guest Lurcherbitch]