Funny Joke Thread

[jetro 5,349]

 

[jetro 5,349]

Oldie but goodie

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

 Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

 Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

 If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
 Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

 Get in the shower.

 Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

 Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

 Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

 Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
 Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

 Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

 Shave armpits and legs.

 Turn off shower.

 Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

 Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

 Get out of shower.

 Dry with towel the size of a small country.

 Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

 Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

 Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

 Walk naked to the bathroom.

 If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
 sound.

 Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

 Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum and tenderly stroke your belly.

 Get in the shower.

 Wash your face.

 Wash your armpits.

 Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

 Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

 Wash your hair.

 Make a Shampoo Mohican

 Wee.

 Rinse off and get out of shower.

 Partially dry off, whilst seductively stroking your belly.

 Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

 Admire willy size in mirror again.

 Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

 If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

 Throw wet towel on bed.

[cragman 2,635]

[cragman 2,635]

[jetro 5,349]

[bob.243 7,528]

[bob.243 7,528]

[jetro 5,349]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties..?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank Christ for that ! - I thought you were sitting on the f***ing cat.. ! "
Poor b*****d never even heard the gunshot.

[jetro 5,349]

A Man goes into a Bakers and asks for 2 Bread Rolls..??

The Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in a Paper Bag, 

He then asks for 2 Cakes the Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in the Bag.

The Man says :-

 "It’s nice to see you don’t Handle the Food"..

The Shop Man says :-

 "Nothing in my Shop is Handled by Human Hand"..

He then noticed a Piece of String hanging out of the Shop Man's Trousers and asks  :-

"What is that Piece of String for"..???

The Shop Man says :-

 "When I need a Piss. I just pull on the String and it Pops Out"..

"That’s OK" Says the man.

"But how do you put it Back"..???

"That’s No Problem", says the Shop Man.

 "I just Use the TONGS"..

[jetro 5,349]

[jetro 5,349]

A Young Woman was preparing for her Wedding. 

She asked her Mother to go out and buy a Nice, Long Black Negligee and carefully place it in her Suitcase so it would not Wrinkle.

Mom forgot her task, until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a Short Pink Nightee. 

She bought it and quickly threw it into the Suitcase.

After the Wedding, the Bride and Groom enter their Hotel Room. 

The Groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new Bride to change in the Bathroom and promise not to Peek while he got ready for Bed.

While she was in the Bathroom, she opened her Suitcase and saw the Negligee her Mother had thrown in there. 

She exclaimed, "Oh No, it's Short, Pink and Wrinkled"..

Then her Groom cried out, 

"F.F.S.. I thought I told you not to Peek"..

[jetro 5,349]

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? 

I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a pansy in front of your older brother's friends.
It's suppose to be lemon flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything lemon in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You down a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted poop in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to God there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary,...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The poop/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid poop fart as it gurgled out of your butt.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have pooped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. 

You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

You're broken.

Your butthole's broken.

Your spirit's broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a poop stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

[bob.243 7,528]

[TheShootingTog 2,209]

[jetro 5,349]