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SCOTTISH WEDDING
 
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 
 
 
SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ..... 
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
 
 
New Book
A man goes into Chapters bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy..."
 
Poor Lance Armstrong -
 
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
 
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.
 
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike!
 
Drive By
 
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
 
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
 
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
 
Sick b*****d!!
 
 
So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.
 
 
 
Pregnant Prostitute
 
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For god sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
 
EASYJET
 
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
 
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
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A MONTANA COWBOY, A NATIVE AMERICAN AND A MUSLIM ARE WAITING FOR THEIR PLANE IN A SMALL MONTANA AIRPORT. THE MONTANA COWBOY LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR, CROSSES HIS BOOTS ON A MAGAZINE TABLE AND TIPS

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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....
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The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....
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Paddy thought he'd found the woman of his dreams until he looked in her wardrobe and found a nurses outfit a French maid and a police woman's uniform when he said fcuk that if she can't hold down a job she's not the woman for me

Edited by peterhunter86
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The dog next door was keeping paddy up all night barking when he said to his wife fcuk that I'm going down to sort it so after 15 minutes paddy returns and his wife asks what was he doing as the dog is still barking paddy replied I put it in our garden see how they fcuking like it

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