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We went to see the Red Arrows last week.

 

There were gasps of "ooh" and "aah" as the crowd watched in amazement. Near miss after near miss had people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

 

It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in end my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the airshow.

LOL very good Walshie
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A MONTANA COWBOY, A NATIVE AMERICAN AND A MUSLIM ARE WAITING FOR THEIR PLANE IN A SMALL MONTANA AIRPORT. THE MONTANA COWBOY LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR, CROSSES HIS BOOTS ON A MAGAZINE TABLE AND TIPS

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I watched my wife give birth today an it was amazing to see what technology is available..
I would have missed it all if it were not for iPhone Facetime, and free WIFI in the pub!!

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The top 8 things girls should say to men:
1. I'm bored, let's shave me snatch
2. Are you sure you've had plenty to drink?
3. That fart was awesome drop another!
4. Of course I swallow, it's amazing
5. No thats ok you watch porn, I'll toss you off after i've done these dishes.
6. Just for a change stick it up me arse.
7. Are you still shagging that girl at work?
8. Marriage? No f***ing way!
Sadly, Carlsberg dont do these girlfriends but Thailand does!

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

 

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

 

It's not me, so it's either my mum or my dad. my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.


The attorney asked. "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse ?"


Coroner: "No"


Attorney: "Did you listen for a heartbeat ?"


Coroner: "No"


Attorney: "Did you check for breathing ?"


Coroner: "No"


Attorney: "So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you ?"



The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said.


"Well, let me put it to you this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
































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A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM !

'Viagra'
is now available
in tea bags.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
.

But it does stop your biscuit going soft.

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Hypnotist at a Senior Citizens Center…

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.

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