Funny Joke Thread

[The one 8,395]

[The one 8,395]

[The one 8,395]

[Mister Gain 1,759]

Took the dog out for a walk yesterday and the fcuker ran off. I searched for about an hour but couldn't find him, so went home and told the wife.

 

She told me "Go back but this time you'll have to look harder."

 

So I shaved my head and got a tattoo but I still can't find the fcuking dog.

[Blackbriar 8,568]

 

I entered the Word Blindfold Masturbating Championships.........

 

 

 

 

........I don't know where I came !

[The one 8,395]

 

 

 

 

 

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. they talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it.

It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

T'is why we love the Irish.

[hawki 1,418]

The poem is called "Old Age Pensioner's Knickers"

 

"Rose's are red

Violet's are blue

Ethel's are green"

Edited April 16, 2017 by hawki

[The one 8,395]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria,
why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.. The
first is that I iron better than you.'
...

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[The one 8,395]

[The one 8,395]

[Mister Gain 1,759]

I'd advise anybody against pressing the 'Emergency Stop' button on a treadmill going at high speed.

 

I just did, and the bloke on it went fcuking flying.

[neil cooney 10,415]

[bob.243 7,511]

.

[The one 8,395]

United airlines motto

 

“Drag and Drop”

“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

“We beat the customer. Not the competition”

“And you thought leg room was an issue”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Fight or flight. We decide”

“Now offering one free carry off”

“Beating random customers since 2017”

“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

“A bloody good airline”

[neil cooney 10,415]

An old tart goes into a high street high class department store and walks up to the perfume counter.

The woman behind the counter asks in a posh accent "would you like to try some of our scents ?"

She sprays a little on the tarts wrist and the tart asks "what's this bleedin' stuff called then ?"

The posh woman says "It's called Come To Me."

The tart takes a sniff and says "it doesn't bleedin' smell like cum to me."