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Best Man Speech


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I all away think it breaks the ice to start with "I first clapped eyes on the bride while watching a DVD called Gang Bang White girls visit the ghetto....."

 

Lighthearted yet edgy ;)

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Some much useful stuff here. I'm amazed nobody has recommended a nappy incase you crap yourself with fear! Truth be told, I'm sure you'll do a fine job.

 

A few words that'll probably go down well, but I'd rephrase them to make them sound more genuine.

 

"I remember when [insert name] was a young lad, we would climb trees, blar blar blar, crazy nights out, blar blar blar, we have had our ups and downs, but I know I could always rely on him. However, when I heard about this new woman he's met, I was worried I was going to lose a friend. I was scared she was going to change him. As it turns out, she has changed him, and all for the better. I have known [insert name] all my life (of however long you've really known then) and seeing him change from the person he was, to the man he is today, I can happily say that any change has been for the better."

 

"When a woman gets married and steps into the Church, there's a sequence she will follow. Standing there, looking at her lovely new shoes, ready to get married, when she raises her head the first thing she sees is the aisle, then she looks up a little more and sees the alter, and finally she sees him. Then that's what she will have in her head, in that order 'I'll alter him'."

This one would fit in well with the above paragraph.

 

Try for 2 funny stories (but not about ex's, or anything that might compromise the wedding or any perspectives of the bride's family...so no..."When we first shared a hooker.....This one time when he was on heroin...." those stories die before the ceremony) one serious story, then a summary of how she's made his life better and how you feel you have not lost a mate, but that your mate has transformed into a new man, and how you're looking forward to being there when they divorce...no wait...I mean, you look forward to being there and seeing their relationship go from strength to strength. No mention of divorce! The D word is a big NO!!!

 

You could joke about the worrying thing about getting married...The Mother In Law!!! But then make a joke about how this mother in law seems pretty cool, so he's not only marrying a wonderful woman, but also marrying into a lovely family. At this point wink at the mother in law. It may also be worth considering doing lion paws at her and making a sexual growl in her direction...works a treat (please note, this is a joke and could well get you beaten up).

 

"I do look at the lovely couple and when I look at [the lady's name] I can't help but think "She really should have gone to Spec-Saver's" Haha, I'm just kidding. They are a lovely couple and I can see that they both adore each other completely."

 

Don't forget to add a toast "If we may raise our glasses, to the joining of two hearts into one heart. and the coming together of these two families."

 

Or there's WILF's class line: "Behind every great man, there's a great woman. But usually the great man in behind the great woman doing her in the wrong'en." oh wait...probably best not mention this one.

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I still think mines better !

 

Or try the truth......

 

The lovely couple will have spent thousands to feed all your faces today, half of you they have not seen for years and they will probably never see you again but drink up you greedy c**ts, it's free !!

 

She will have driven him mad for 18 months leading upto this day and they will be paying for it long after the romance has died and they hate the site of each other.

When she puts on 25 stone after the first kid, please remember how nice she looked today in her dress.

 

It's all a big show anyway, so fill your boots try not to break too much and try and f**k off quietly cause I will be asleep after being balls deep in some ugly f***ing bridesmaid.

 

Thank you and good night !!

Edited by WILF
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