RossM 7,979 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Got a lend of rm2508's electric shock collar... One of my mates said 'if you do it.. ill do it' ... So i clicked the setting onto 'vibrate' ... and put the prongs to my neck... and he pressed the button... 'OUCH' .. i shouted... kidding on it hurt... He put the prongs to his neck... and i whacked the setting onto 'shock' and clicked it upto max...100... Pressed the button... and his head shot back and twatted off the cupboards ... Fookin get it up ye lol... Done it to my missus uncle one night, had a few lads round for the boxing and a bevvy, told him it was a tracking devise, he was totally in awe, "really? f**k me, technology nowadays" I told him "away upstairs and hide in a room and it will pinpoint exactly where you are" so away he goes with round his neck (I told him it monitors his pulse also) and I crank that bad boy right up to 100, the whole ceiling shook as he hit the ground, lights flickered, the lot as he squeeled like a pig and I gave him another few dunts with it just for being a thick c**t and believing me! 13 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mushroom 12,352 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Was in the local pub in Blackpool with Mushroom the wanker terrier one Sunday afternoon partaking in the ritual of the time.. supping Not being the classiest of joints had it's fair share of pissed up piss'eds in their little booths either talking bollox to the table or sleeping. This being one of my regular haunts for an after work pint with the lads Mushroom the "well behaved" terrier was given free reign by the landlady. ha ha ha, blah blah, couple of pints later; one of the lads turns round to me and says I think thy Mush is gonna piss on that chap I spun on a penny to see my tw@t of a terrier pissing all over a guy's legs now this chap has obviously had a couple as he was asleep at the time of the crime. So through gritted teeth words rhyming with ducking mixed in with "here" I managed to get the wee fuucker back popped his lead on and we said no more. After an hour or so pissed up guy wakes up stands has this look of horror on his face as he realises he's pissed himeself or the dog has in this case. Obviously by this point we're all laughing like fec & pointing at him saying ha you've pissed yourself Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TOMO 24,838 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Got a lend of rm2508's electric shock collar... One of my mates said 'if you do it.. ill do it' ... So i clicked the setting onto 'vibrate' ... and put the prongs to my neck... and he pressed the button... 'OUCH' .. i shouted... kidding on it hurt... He put the prongs to his neck... and i whacked the setting onto 'shock' and clicked it upto max...100... Pressed the button... and his head shot back and twatted off the cupboards ... Fookin get it up ye lol... Done it to my missus uncle one night, had a few lads round for the boxing and a bevvy, told him it was a tracking devise, he was totally in awe, "really? f**k me, technology nowadays" I told him "away upstairs and hide in a room and it will pinpoint exactly where you are" so away he goes with round his neck (I told him it monitors his pulse also) and I crank that bad boy right up to 100, the whole ceiling shook as he hit the ground, lights flickered, the lot as he squeeled like a pig and I gave him another few dunts with it just for being a thick c**t and believing me! Feck me I got tears running down my face rm,,, very funny 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BIGLURKS 874 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 I can still remember the few months that I was working on the scallop trawlers well we were up in Aberdeen at the time fishing out of there but we were heading threw the canal too come fish in the Irish Sea if any one knows the canal it takes about 3 days too get threw and is just a big piss up well after a night in one of the stops we were with a couple of other boats and all recovering from are hangovers well we had a young lad with us as much too say about this lad he dosnt really have all the brains if you know what I mean so bye 9 in the morning we still hadn't left and the skipper is getting more pissed of with this lad for he's stupid questions so he brings out a bucket and tells the lad too go down the pier too the other boat and get a bucket of gas well much too are grinning the daft c**t went down there so were all in the wheel house watching this idiot jump on the other boat and ask for a bucket of gas we see the look on the other skippers face and he has clicked on and pretends too fill the bucket with gas and puts some cling film over the top and gives the lad instructions that he has too keep the bucket up right or it will blow up and not too shake it or he will blow up so he hands the bucket too the lad on the pier and he has this thing stretched as far away from he's body as he can get and is walking as slow as a tortuous coming down this pier it must of took him 20 mins too walk 100 m well in this time the other boat has rung us and told us what's happend so were all on the side of the boat waiting for him coming along as he is getting closer the skipper comes out the wheel house and joins us as the lad is standing there on the pier the skipper ask him too pass him the bucket as he does this the skipper smacks the bucket out he's hand and all you see is this young lad run and jump of the side of the pier fully clothed in rigger boots the works and all of us rolling about the deck in stitches that lad still gets asked too go for a bucket of gas 8 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mushroom 12,352 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 :laugh: Big Lurks Reminds me of a plum I worked with at the Norbreck Castle hotel, Clive the lad was and a right mong if ever I saw one. Well one day he was asking stupid shit and just generally doing our nuts in, so I sent him to the reception to get a long stand Bless her heart the receptionist got it straight away and had him stood there for about 15mins. So as you can guess we found this quite funny until the thick cnut just collapses twats his head off the reception (marble surface) and hits the deck..... Turns out our Clive has narcolepsy :laugh: 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
treecreeper 1,136 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) bloody phone Edited January 19, 2014 by treecreeper Quote Link to post Share on other sites
treecreeper 1,136 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Used to have a lad work with us like that. We nicknamed him fat head, caught him one day with his head on scales on the stores counter and then proclamed it only weighed 7.5. kilos so how's it fat. He booked a holiday and hed never been abroad so me and one of the other lads told him you needed a car seat for the kids on the plane. He told us they hadn't told him that so I told him they don't they sting you 25 quid if you don't take one so he phoned up and asked bet the woman was laughing her tits off. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wayne Andrew 38 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 me and a mate o mine had a nite out on town as usual we were first in last out of town.so were standing at the taxi rank waiting for our turn and there was a couple o larger ladies infront of us they seemed to be the last girls left in town so we sweet talked them into coming back with us .when back at the house my pal dissapeared to the bedroom wit his one and im left talking to the other and i asked drunkenly so what about a kiss and a feel as u do she said oh i dont kiss on the first date i said without thinkin u think theres gonna be a second?awkward.anyway morning came me on the one couch and fatty on the other then in strolls my pal with his girl and a really funky sweaty smell following them.me and my mate went for a cig outside and couldnt help disscussing the smell which was obviously the girl he went to bed with im no kidding the lassie must no have had a bath in a long time and insult te injury.we had te phone my mates dad te pick us up as the girls were from the city and we were at a house a long way from the city and skint after payin a fortune for the taxi to get there so he turned up we all piled in these girls were so big the car was [BANNED TEXT] down on its arches and now every time were in my mates dads pub theres two fat girls on the fone for us Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jeppi26 1,855 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 I used to work up and down the country and ad a new lad start with us and we was sent up Inverness working so we told the New lad he needed his passport to get into Scotland he went home and asked his mam and dad he come in the next day with his passport his mam and dad clicked on and went along with it funny as when we got to Inverness he clicked on calling us a bunch of counts lollol 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
greatwhitehunter 47 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 A couple of years back i had been chatting up this bird so after a couple of dates and p*ssing about we finally go back to hers after a ride or two we went to sleep only to be woken by her big brother shouting my name! :s turns out he was in my class in college, small world! Lol 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
fireman 10,774 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 When i lived a travelling life at one time i had a double decker bus and it had the same livery(paintwork) as the busses that ran in the Wirrel and one time a few of us were going to a party in it and we were stopping at the bus stops and letting folk walk on until they sussed they were on a hippy bus.A couple of folks didn't see the funny side and told us what they thought but a couple of old girls said feck it and stayed on for a few stops and had a laugh with us. . There's a bit of a funny story behind my avator pic as well as that goat used to belong to my brother but he couldn't keep her where he used to so had given her to a pal of mine who lived on the same site as me,now this goat was like a dog and would come to a call and you could walk it to heel any fecking where.Well a few of us decided to go to stonehenge for the winter soltice in 1987 and as we were leaving (in a pals double decker bus this time )the goat decided she wanted to come and started to follow us down the road,now i walked her back to the site a dozen times and might of even pelted her arse a bit with a SMALL lump of mud to get her to stay but no she wanted to come and come she did.Well a good few folks were there and a good party was had but looking after a goat while the micro dots are working is very hard work and she was getting a bit of hassle from some dogs so i had to tie her up stairs in the decker and spend a few hours not quite on this planet with a goat for company and those goaty eyes do your head in i'll you that for nothing .Well time came for a walk to the stones and the bloody goat came with me and she's up on that stone with a very fraggled me to keep her out of the dogs way,all was that not bad as i did chear myself up by upsetting a proper yogurt weaver by telling them she was there to be slaughterd as a sacrifice to the sun god . 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
perthshire keeper 1,237 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) about 2 years ago i was in blackpool on a intensive driveing course you know the "pass in a week" jobbies only i was on it for 3 days so on my first day i went out for a bite to eat..and ended up in the outback bar..you know the one.. gets a meal and a few pints in and gets chatting to this aussie barmaid blond we thing stunning! things are going well and i drunkenly suggests when her shifts up she comes back to my b&b "yeh cool" she says game on! so i sneak her in the b&b and she was WELL above my average so knowing a good thing when i see it spent the next hour trying to f**k it to death then BANG!!! she slapped me right across the face not a playfull slap but a real belt! " what the f**k?!" she says do you like that...erm no i says (still trying to keep my self pumping).....and this was probley like a warning shot for what was about to come!.....all is good from then on..she went like a tramp on chips all night and asked to come round again tomorrow night...yeh no worries i says come round as it was my last night their.... well she come over..lifes good, and a night of mental shagging ensued.... next morning she was about to go i was half dressed. i had a shirt and boxers on. she said " can i see you tonight?" "erm not not really ime going home today.." oh she says..." but you will come and see me on the weekends wont you?"...well i was keepering at the time so just said "ime busy as hell with work so i wasnt planning on it, its been a great few days thou" well that was f*****g it! something happend in her face...it lost all exspression....and ....she .....went f*****g NUTS! grabbed my silver chain pushed me against the door screaming all kinds of abuse and curses all the names under the sun whilst slapping me then she knees me in the side like a f*****g kidney shot so ime now on the floor in my boxers, half the bottons missing on my shirt shouting her to calm the f**k down and weel talk about this....she still had her hand in my chain and then she twisted it round and it kinked...so i grabber her wrists and got her hands under controle....... then she sticks the nut on me, so i dropped back tothe floor thinking now what with my hands over my face.... i pulled my hands away and she is stood their with the kettel you know the ones that are always in b&bs with "tea making facilities" ime thinking shit shit shit shit then POW she hit me with the f*****g thing right round the head. i could see me getting beaten to death by a stunning aussie in a cheap B&B in f*****g blackpool by a kettel so thiers me screaming like a girl with a broken chain...ripped shirt, bloody nose curled up on the floor at the end of the bed waiting for the next clout off the f*****g kettel... then i hears the door close and she had gone....... never to been seen again.. . i had to answer lots of question off the owners about why their was a "overnight guest" with me when its against the rules and yes i failed my driveing test that day Edited January 19, 2014 by perthshire keeper 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mushroom 12,352 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 about 2 years ago i was in blackpool on a intensive driveing course you know the "pass in a week" jobbies only i was on it for 3 days so on my first day i went out for a bite to eat..and ended up in the outback bar..you know the one.. gets a meal and a few pints in and gets chatting to this aussie barmaid blond we thing stunning! things are going well and i drunkenly suggests when her shifts up she comes back to my b&b "yeh cool" she says game on! so i sneak her in the b&b and she was WELL above my average so knowing a good thing when i see it spent the next hour trying to f**k it to death then BANG!!! she slapped me right across the face not a playfull slap but a real belt! " what the f**k?!" she says do you like that...erm no i says (still trying to keep my self pumping).....and this was probley like a warning shot for what was about to come!.....all is good from then on..she went like a tramp on chips all night and asked to come round again tomorrow night...yeh no worries i says come round as it was my last night their.... well she come over..lifes good, and a night of mental shagging ensued.... next morning she was about to go i was half dressed. i had a shirt and boxers on. she said " can i see you tonight?" "erm not not really ime going home today.." oh she says..." but you will come and see me on the weekends wont you?"...well i was keepering at the time so just said "ime busy as hell with work so i wasnt planning on it, its been a great few days thou" well that was f*****g it! something happend in her face...it lost all exspression....and ....she .....went f*****g NUTS! grabbed my silver chain pushed me against the door screaming all kinds of abuse and curses all the names under the sun whilst slapping me then she knees me in the side like a f*****g kidney shot so ime now on the floor in my boxers, half the bottons missing on my shirt shouting her to calm the f**k down and weel talk about this....she still had her hand in my chain and then she twisted it round and it kinked...so i grabber her wrists and got her hands under controle....... then she sticks the nut on me, so i dropped back tothe floor thinking now what with my hands over my face.... i pulled my hands away and she is stood their with the kettel you know the ones that are always in b&bs with "tea making facilities" ime thinking shit shit shit shit then POW she hit me with the f*****g thing right round the head. i could see me getting beaten to death by a stunning aussie in a cheap B&B in f*****g blackpool by a kettel so thiers me screaming like a girl with a broken chain...ripped shirt, bloody nose curled up on the floor at the end of the bed waiting for the next clout off the f*****g kettel... then i hears the door close and she had gone....... never to been seen again.. . i had to answer lots of question off the owners about why their was a "overnight guest" with me when its against the rules and yes i failed my driveing test that day I have to ask was you in the b&b at the back of the Pleasure Beach??? :laugh: and was the bar Walkabout?? :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chid 6,372 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 about 2 years ago i was in blackpool on a intensive driveing course you know the "pass in a week" jobbies only i was on it for 3 days so on my first day i went out for a bite to eat..and ended up in the outback bar..you know the one.. gets a meal and a few pints in and gets chatting to this aussie barmaid blond we thing stunning! things are going well and i drunkenly suggests when her shifts up she comes back to my b&b "yeh cool" she says game on! so i sneak her in the b&b and she was WELL above my average so knowing a good thing when i see it spent the next hour trying to f**k it to death then BANG!!! she slapped me right across the face not a playfull slap but a real belt! " what the f**k?!" she says do you like that...erm no i says (still trying to keep my self pumping).....and this was probley like a warning shot for what was about to come!.....all is good from then on..she went like a tramp on chips all night and asked to come round again tomorrow night...yeh no worries i says come round as it was my last night their.... well she come over..lifes good, and a night of mental shagging ensued.... next morning she was about to go i was half dressed. i had a shirt and boxers on. she said " can i see you tonight?" "erm not not really ime going home today.." oh she says..." but you will come and see me on the weekends wont you?"...well i was keepering at the time so just said "ime busy as hell with work so i wasnt planning on it, its been a great few days thou" well that was f*****g it! something happend in her face...it lost all exspression....and ....she .....went f*****g NUTS! grabbed my silver chain pushed me against the door screaming all kinds of abuse and curses all the names under the sun whilst slapping me then she knees me in the side like a f*****g kidney shot so ime now on the floor in my boxers, half the bottons missing on my shirt shouting her to calm the f**k down and weel talk about this....she still had her hand in my chain and then she twisted it round and it kinked...so i grabber her wrists and got her hands under controle....... then she sticks the nut on me, so i dropped back tothe floor thinking now what with my hands over my face.... i pulled my hands away and she is stood their with the kettel you know the ones that are always in b&bs with "tea making facilities" ime thinking shit shit shit shit then POW she hit me with the f*****g thing right round the head. i could see me getting beaten to death by a stunning aussie in a cheap B&B in f*****g blackpool by a kettel so thiers me screaming like a girl with a broken chain...ripped shirt, bloody nose curled up on the floor at the end of the bed waiting for the next clout off the f*****g kettel... then i hears the door close and she had gone....... never to been seen again.. . i had to answer lots of question off the owners about why their was a "overnight guest" with me when its against the rules and yes i failed my driveing test that day I have to ask was you in the b&b at the back of the Pleasure Beach??? :laugh: and was the bar Walkabout?? :laugh: If that's a yes .... Well done you was shagging mushroom while he was in drag 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mushroom 12,352 Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 about 2 years ago i was in blackpool on a intensive driveing course you know the "pass in a week" jobbies only i was on it for 3 days so on my first day i went out for a bite to eat..and ended up in the outback bar..you know the one.. gets a meal and a few pints in and gets chatting to this aussie barmaid blond we thing stunning! things are going well and i drunkenly suggests when her shifts up she comes back to my b&b "yeh cool" she says game on! so i sneak her in the b&b and she was WELL above my average so knowing a good thing when i see it spent the next hour trying to f**k it to death then BANG!!! she slapped me right across the face not a playfull slap but a real belt! " what the f**k?!" she says do you like that...erm no i says (still trying to keep my self pumping).....and this was probley like a warning shot for what was about to come!.....all is good from then on..she went like a tramp on chips all night and asked to come round again tomorrow night...yeh no worries i says come round as it was my last night their.... well she come over..lifes good, and a night of mental shagging ensued.... next morning she was about to go i was half dressed. i had a shirt and boxers on. she said " can i see you tonight?" "erm not not really ime going home today.." oh she says..." but you will come and see me on the weekends wont you?"...well i was keepering at the time so just said "ime busy as hell with work so i wasnt planning on it, its been a great few days thou" well that was f*****g it! something happend in her face...it lost all exspression....and ....she .....went f*****g NUTS! grabbed my silver chain pushed me against the door screaming all kinds of abuse and curses all the names under the sun whilst slapping me then she knees me in the side like a f*****g kidney shot so ime now on the floor in my boxers, half the bottons missing on my shirt shouting her to calm the f**k down and weel talk about this....she still had her hand in my chain and then she twisted it round and it kinked...so i grabber her wrists and got her hands under controle....... then she sticks the nut on me, so i dropped back tothe floor thinking now what with my hands over my face.... i pulled my hands away and she is stood their with the kettel you know the ones that are always in b&bs with "tea making facilities" ime thinking shit shit shit shit then POW she hit me with the f*****g thing right round the head. i could see me getting beaten to death by a stunning aussie in a cheap B&B in f*****g blackpool by a kettel so thiers me screaming like a girl with a broken chain...ripped shirt, bloody nose curled up on the floor at the end of the bed waiting for the next clout off the f*****g kettel... then i hears the door close and she had gone....... never to been seen again.. . i had to answer lots of question off the owners about why their was a "overnight guest" with me when its against the rules and yes i failed my driveing test that day I have to ask was you in the b&b at the back of the Pleasure Beach??? :laugh: and was the bar Walkabout?? :laugh: If that's a yes .... Well done you was shagging mushroom while he was in drag You Fuckiing nob head pmsl :laugh: I was asking as I have history with both one of these 3day bollox driving schools in Blackpool (cnut still owes me money for a job) and Walkabout (me and my friend hold a title for drinking the most JD in one night) :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.