walshie

Did I mention I came 2nd in the fishing?

I can still remember the last thing my father said to me."See you later.”- About twenty minutes ago.

The barman said, "What's up?" "It's my wife," I confessed, "She's gone right off sex since her mother died." "Sorry to hear that," he replied, "When did she pass away?" "Last night."

I went out with a girl who worked at the fishmongers. Nice girl but awfully clammy hands.

The worst thing about your dog dying is that you have to throw your own shit in the neighbours’ garden.

I just got a job in a tampax factory. One week on, three weeks off.

My gran just accused me of stealing her copies of The Mirror Crack'd and The Body in the Library. I think she's lost her marples.

Went to a Lapp dancing club last night It was f*****g freezing and the girls smelt of seal blubber.

At my age, I just have to face the fact that eighteen-year-old girls don't want to sleep with me. It's just like being eighteen again.

I met a girl on a dating site who’s a dentist. We went on our first date last night. She said she had a great time and would like to see me again in about six months.

My wife and I went for counselling about our relationship. The woman said, "You two are just imagining things." Turns out she was a mirage guidance counsellor.

My wife drew a map of India. She asked me, "Does Mumbai look big in this?"

I just finished making dinner. As I was draining the excess water out of the pasta, I shit my pants. I think I was straining too hard.

My new French boss is a taskmaster and never thanks me for anything. He's merciless.

I really started to panic earlier when I sat in my car and couldn't remember how to drive. Imagine my relief when I remembered that I'm a woman.

My mate is in hospital in a critical condition. Last night he was assaulted by two guys with a leg of lamb. They shanked him.

India are said to be taking offence at their defeat by England in the cricket being dubbed a 'white wash' and have raised concerns over the term, claiming that many Indian people will take it as some kind of slur on their nation. From now on, it should be referred to as just a White.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time. He says, "This is Amanda." His dad jumps up. "It's a f***ing what?"

2 Glaswegians in a pub.” A gay man comes over to one of them and asks “Do you want a bl*wjob?” The Glaswegian says “I can’t hear you. The music is too loud.” The man repeats his offer and the guy drags him outside, kicks him up and down the road and stamps on his head. His mate runs out and asks “What did he say to deserve that?” The other guy says “Not 100% sure but it was something to do with a job.”

I was sitting in the pub when a mate and he told me this joke. ‘What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing.’ The bloke next to us stood up and said "Do you mind? My brother was epileptic and died in the bath whilst having a fit". We both went white and apologised. I said “I’m sorry to hear that. Did he drown?” The man said “No, he choked on a sock.”

I just saw a woman on the High Street selling novelty size mobile phones. She had the biggest pair of Nokias I've ever seen.