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baw

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Status Updates posted by baw

  1. baw and mark sitting in a tree...K.I.S.S.I.N.G

  2. i am gay, please message me

  3. 3 Irishmen in a bar. Paddy says"My locals better than this, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rds free" Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free" Murphy says, "Thats nothin. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get shagged senseless." "WOW," says the other two, "Has that actually happened to you?" "No," says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister.

  4. A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time, he says "This is Amanda." His dad jumps up and says "It's a f*****g what!!!"?

  5. A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time, he says "This is Amanda." His dad jumps up and says "It's a f*****g what!!!"?

  6. To the bloke in the wheelchair that nicked my camouflage jacket - you can hide. But you can't run!!

  7. To the bloke in the wheelchair that nicked my camouflage jacket - you can hide. But you can't run!!

  8. SEX AT 75! I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox telling me that I can have sex at 75! I'm so happy because I live at 67 so its not far to walk home afterwards!

  9. Local police hunting the 'Knitting-Needle Nutter'! who's stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern !

  10. The man at the bar looked into his pint and sighed heavily, "whats up dave,"? Asked the landlord, "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth," "it's my four year old son,the little b*****d has got our 16yo next-door neighbour pregnant"? "get away,that's impossible," said the landlord. "It's not" said the man "the little b*****d stuck a pin in all my condoms!"

  11. Police found a body in a field with a beer belly, saggy balls, wrinkly arse, small cock and a face like a slapped arse. does anyone know if TB25 is OK?

    1. Lab

      Lab

      Yes he's fine......Seemingly he was just taking a drunken nap in the field and he's not dead....lol

    2. baw

      baw

      Pmsl ideal, good news

    3. tb25

      tb25

      pmsl lol just goin to say sounds like me befor i read it all

  12. Jock takes his wife into Casualty. She has No Teeth, a Broken Nose and Two Black Eyes. Doctor says,"What happened?" Jock says,"She been going through the Change!" Doctor says,"That doesn't happen with the Change!" Jock replies,". . .it does when it's in my f****n'Pocket!"

  13. Missus brought home a tub of ice cream & asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied "As hard as ur cock when ur thinking about me naked!" I said "go on then, pour me some"

  14. Me and the wife had a blazing row earlier and I ended up giving her a slap. 5 minutes later we ended up having the best, dirtiest sex ever! .... Looks like I'm going to have to wait for my tea though.... she's still unconscious!

  15. Grampian Police are looking for two Racist Attackers.I've already got an application form, do you want one aswell?

    1. Joe67

      Joe67

      I hear theres now a waiting list,ill try lothian and borders

    2. matt_hooks

      matt_hooks

      Sure, I'll attack as many racists as you like!

  16. After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had" and aparently "Ditto" is not the right respone !

    1. christian71

      christian71

      Did you not say your pulling my leg!

  17. Sex has gone downhill, so I bought the wife a dildo.She said 'It looks like a giant carrot' ...which is ironic as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning!

  18. Ma next door neighbour just confronted me about items gon missing fae her washing line... A nearly shit her pants

  19. Pmsl, I take it he wasn't amused lol

  20. The only way for a couple to enjoy an afternoon 'quickie' with their 8 year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar & tell him to report on the Street activities. He began : 'There's a car being towed away', 'Jason is on his skate board', 'The Wilsons are shagging', Startled, his mum & dad sat up, Dad asks 'How do you know they're shagging?', 'coz little Jimmy Wilson is on his balcony with a Mars Bar to...

  21. baw

    Hi pal, you been practicing the old chess then?

  22. My senile mate keeps knocking on his own front door then goes round the back to answer his own knocks. I dont think he knows what he is letting himself in for!!!

    1. jasper65

      jasper65

      Class... <pmsl>

  23. 2 dyslexics in a car one turns to the other & says can you smell petrol? the second one says f**k off I can't even smell me own name

    1. x38

      x38

      twat lol

       

    2. cu beag

      cu beag

      Would find funny,8yrs old kid struggling,he doesn,t find it funny,speaks Gaelic & english,cuts him up that He can,t really read my Hunting books,But we'll get there!!!

  24. The only way for a couple to enjoy an afternoon 'quickie' with their 8 year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar & tell him to report on the Street activities. He began : 'There's a car being towed away', 'Jason is on his skate board', 'The Wilsons are shagging', Startled, his mum & dad sat up, Dad asks 'How do you know they're shagging?', 'coz little Jimmy Wilson is on his balcony with a Mars Bar to...

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