First Person Sentenced for 'Controlling Behaviour in an Intimate Relationship' in the UK

[Born Hunter 17,637]

Just now, John d said:

1 your opinion is irrelevant, your a username on computer 

 

So you're just mental then? Wading into a thread throwing about verbal over irrelevant opinions? 

[Kay 3,709]

2 minutes ago, John d said:

If you knew it was happening

100 % spot on John, I can only draw from personal experience & I couldn't confide in anybody because I knew he would make my life a misery if I did. & I didnt know if he would harm the kids, that unspoken threat loomed over me 24/7 ... I think people think you have to be beaten to a pulp for it to be abuse & control issue.

Things like him hiding my sons asthma meds & then them re appearing & him saying it was there all the time & it was my hormones & my baby brain.... he stood over me while I ate, he prepared food & he went through the bins incase I had had something he knew nothing about ... if i wasnt in at lunch time when he came home I was in for a night of abuse off him. i had to wear what he said... have my hair how he said.... eat what he said... 

He stood behind me almost every day with his hands on my neck & put enough pressure on my neck to let me know he was boss.... it only stopped when my lad got physically strong enough to floor him.... he had lost the control then so he moved on thank god

I worked at the pub cleaning & on a friday he would be waiting at 12.30 when i knocked off to have my wages off me for food.... he would buy a carrier of food  & spend the rest on cider.... my mom fed my youngest most days while the abuse was at its worst .... my parents knew nothing about the abuse because the perps are the model parent & husband to the outside world 

I had no money & no place to run to its abuse & control....one thing I do know he is such a coward & couldnt face meeting me at his grandsons 1st birthday tea..... so he fell out with the lad over a petty issue he had about his dog & my lad not wanting the baby in the same room as a hyper springer ... all he asked was his dad put the dog in the kitchen for half hour & it resulted in a nasty letter where he threatened my lads Mrs with harm .

I would do time for the b*****d now , I aint the same person I was then 

 

[jukel123 6,570]

6 minutes ago, Kay said:

100 % spot on John, I can only draw from personal experience & I couldn't confide in anybody because I knew he would make my life a misery if I did. & I didnt know if he would harm the kids, that unspoken threat loomed over me 24/7 ... I think people think you have to be beaten to a pulp for it to be abuse & control issue.

Things like him hiding my sons asthma meds & then them re appearing & him saying it was there all the time & it was my hormones & my baby brain.... he stood over me while I ate, he prepared food & he went through the bins incase I had had something he knew nothing about ... if i wasnt in at lunch time when he came home I was in for a night of abuse off him. i had to wear what he said... have my hair how he said.... eat what he said... 

He stood behind me almost every day with his hands on my neck & put enough pressure on my neck to let me know he was boss.... it only stopped when my lad got physically strong enough to floor him.... he had lost the control then so he moved on thank god

I worked at the pub cleaning & on a friday he would be waiting at 12.30 when i knocked off to have my wages off me for food.... he would buy a carrier of food  & spend the rest on cider.... my mom fed my youngest most days while the abuse was at its worst .... my parents knew nothing about the abuse because the perps are the model parent & husband to the outside world 

I had no money & no place to run to its abuse & control....one thing I do know he is such a coward & couldnt face meeting me at his grandsons 1st birthday tea..... so he fell out with the lad over a petty issue he had about his dog & my lad not wanting the baby in the same room as a hyper springer ... all he asked was his dad put the dog in the kitchen for half hour & it resulted in a nasty letter where he threatened my lads Mrs with harm .

I would do time for the b*****d now , I aint the same person I was then 

 

Jesus Christ. Give me 5 mins with the b*****d.

[Astanley 11,465]

Got to say I agree with Born Hunter ,there are already laws in place to protect vulnerable people ,just as there are already laws in place to protect ethnic minorities ,women ,homosexuals etc etc .

I would be very suspicious of new legislation that uses ambiguous words and terms such as "controlling behaviour "or the ",phobias "it's the thin end of a very totalitarian wedge .

[Kay 3,709]

1 minute ago, jukel123 said:

Jesus Christ. Give me 5 mins with the b*****d.

This kind of treatment goes on in millions of homes ... we only hear about it when someone dies at the hands of the abuser or the victim fights back & it results in a death ...man & women both get abused .i guess women are more likely 

I remember its why they invented family allowance for women whos husbands came up the pit with there wages & drank it away 

[Born Hunter 17,637]

14 minutes ago, Kay said:

100 % spot on John, I can only draw from personal experience & I couldn't confide in anybody because I knew he would make my life a misery if I did. & I didnt know if he would harm the kids, that unspoken threat loomed over me 24/7 ... I think people think you have to be beaten to a pulp for it to be abuse & control issue.

Things like him hiding my sons asthma meds & then them re appearing & him saying it was there all the time & it was my hormones & my baby brain.... he stood over me while I ate, he prepared food & he went through the bins incase I had had something he knew nothing about ... if i wasnt in at lunch time when he came home I was in for a night of abuse off him. i had to wear what he said... have my hair how he said.... eat what he said... 

He stood behind me almost every day with his hands on my neck & put enough pressure on my neck to let me know he was boss.... it only stopped when my lad got physically strong enough to floor him.... he had lost the control then so he moved on thank god

I worked at the pub cleaning & on a friday he would be waiting at 12.30 when i knocked off to have my wages off me for food.... he would buy a carrier of food  & spend the rest on cider.... my mom fed my youngest most days while the abuse was at its worst .... my parents knew nothing about the abuse because the perps are the model parent & husband to the outside world 

I had no money & no place to run to its abuse & control....one thing I do know he is such a coward & couldnt face meeting me at his grandsons 1st birthday tea..... so he fell out with the lad over a petty issue he had about his dog & my lad not wanting the baby in the same room as a hyper springer ... all he asked was his dad put the dog in the kitchen for half hour & it resulted in a nasty letter where he threatened my lads Mrs with harm .

I would do time for the b*****d now , I aint the same person I was then 

 

Kay, I don't even know how to respond to that without making you think I have no sympathy for a person in that situation, as you were. I'm not ignoring you and I welcome your input. I'll try to respond but I want to try to give it some thought to make sure it's sensitive yet still representative of my position on this law.

[Born Hunter 17,637]

9 minutes ago, John d said:

Of course its criminal! Man you need to realise that the "controlling" part is what leads to so many horrible things you read about everyday! First example of the top of my head is raul moat, a huge bullying prick from Newcastle who "controlled" his missus in everyway possible......one day she had had enough and walked away and when he couldnt get his own way anymore look what happened! Having mental control over a person is every part as bad as beating them up every day, it never leaves the victim and they literally become terrified to even put the dishes away wrong, fold a tea towel the wrong way, make the tea a tiny little bit to strong etc little tiny irelevant things to most people can trigger an explosive rage of anger to an aggresive controlling psycopath and when he/she finally flips and kills their partner the old "you wouldnt of guessed that was going on" or "well it proves you dont know what goes on behind closed doors" lines come out when really its gone on for years under everyones noses but because its mental bullying the obvious signs are not there if it was physical abuse! 

Bullying in any shape or form is quite rightly a crime and I for one support any prosecution against those that carry it out against a weaker victim.

Apologies for the outburst but its not a subject I see light in

I get that. You might not believe me but I do. It's very similar to Kay's post so I'll try to reply to both in one. Cheers. 

[jukel123 6,570]

 I remember years ago taking a woman I knew, a neighbour, to a women's refuge. She had two kids with her. I ran her to the refuge and began to help her inside the door of the refuge. The manageress pointed to a sign on the door. It read: "No men beyond this point". Made me feel weird to be considered part of the problem, one of the enemy so to speak

. Some of those women lived in absolute fear of leaving the refuge because their men would be waiting for them outside. f****n horrendous. 

I'm  out of this thread, going to walk my dogs.

Edited April 17, 2018 by jukel123

[Kay 3,709]

17 minutes ago, Born Hunter said:

Kay, I don't even know how to respond to that without making you think I have no sympathy for a person in that situation, as you were. I'm not ignoring you and I welcome your input. I'll try to respond but I want to try to give it some thought to make sure it's sensitive yet still representative of my position on this law.

Dont sugar coat it... each story will be different , my case is if I had tackled the control element in the early days he would probably have been a quivering mess  once tackled... but I am older & wiser now ...on the other hand he may well have done some physical harm ...at the time I wasnt going to risk it ... I would have walked away if there hadn't been the kids to consider .

I can understand its hard to see this kind of situation unless you have witnessed it or experienced it first hand over a prolonged period of time like years & decades for a lot of people it becomes normal & you do find yourself making excuses for there behaviour to other people 

Its like I had no experience of depression  & i would have been very unsympathetic & been in the '' pull yourself together camp''  until I experienced it briefly & saw how disabling it is ... my lifes been eventful I have never thought of myself as a victim.. the good things in my life far outweigh the few shitty bits

my glass is always half full 

[Kay 3,709]

It reminds me of Educating Rita...she was married & worked as a hair dresser ..her old man wanted the stereotypical family & sat night in the pub having a sing song with the family...she wasnt happy just plodding on doing what was expected of her so she went to night school ... she had to hide her contraceptive pills from him & he found them ... he also burnt her books to stop her studying ...its simply a form of  control 

I wanted to do a diploma in criminology but I knew if i had booked the course it would have been a nightmare .... I will do it before I get to senile ... wont use it for anything ... but it will give me a sense of pride that I tackled it & had a go even if its only scratching the surface on the subject 

[Born Hunter 17,637]

1 minute ago, Kay said:

Dont sugar coat it... each story will be different , my case is if I had tackled the control element in the early days he would probably have been a quivering mess  once tackled... but I am older & wiser now ...on the other hand he may well have done some physical harm ...at the time I wasnt going to risk it ... I would have walked away if there hadn't been the kids to consider .

I can understand its hard to see this kind of situation unless you have witnessed it or experienced it first hand over a prolonged period of time like years & decades for a lot of people it becomes normal & you do find yourself making excuses for there behaviour to other people 

Its like I had no experience of depression  & i would have been very unsympathetic & been in the '' pull yourself together camp''  until I experienced it briefly & saw how disabling it is ... my lifes been eventful I have never thought of myself as a victim.. the good things in my life far outweigh the few shitty bits

my glass is always half full 

Someone asked me earlier if I had experienced or witnessed this. I'm not going into detail or going to speak of this further but an ex of mine, a lass I loved irrationally, was controlled by a family member for a very long time so he could sexually abuse her and her friends. Her brother even committed suicide nearly taking an innocent with him. That's in the past and will stay there. I just want to say I'm not as distanced from this as some folks think. That behaviour started well into her childhood so she was technically legally protected already, by more than one law at a guess.

Anyway, back to the discussion. I accept that emotional control is a 'thing', I'm not denying it. I acknowledge it is harmful and abusive. That it can be a precursor to actual physical assault or murder. I'm not ignorant to that or dismissive. My problem is that we are treating adults in a consensual relationship as prisoners. Threats of violence are already legislated against. Acts of violence are already legislated against. Making this decision as a society, that people can be held in a 'consensual' relationship through 'controlling behaviour' (that isn't already illegal) to me is dangerous.

I'd have to ask how many victims of this control, that can so easily lead to violence, will be saved by this law? If they have the strength to pursue a criminal investigation, do they not have the strength to just leave? Bearing in mind that all the other associated consequential shit (risk of assault, homelessness, murder etc) are already illegal in some way? What really is being achieved?

Now ignoring the effectiveness of this law in achieving protecting people from controlling relationships, I'm instinctively against this. This is really the crux of it for me. I fundamentally consider adults to be responsible or have the free will for their own actions, we make good choices and bad choices but I fundamentally want to be considered responsible and behave as a result of free will. This law sets a precedent for me (or at least reinforces it), that we should not be considered to have free will. It sets the precedent that being a c**t should be punishable by law. I just think it's dangerous and won't actually have much in the way of a positive impact. Because the point at which a person in such a shit relationship supports a criminal investigation they have already found the strength they needed to take responsibility for allowing it to happen. That moment will change that person for ever.

[ChrisJones 7,973]

Question for the panel.

Was there anything used to convict the abuser that wasn't already covered by the existing statute? Excluding the 2015 law?

[ChrisJones 7,973]

Question for the panel.

Was there anything used to convict the abuser that wasn't already covered by the existing statute? Excluding the 2015 law?

EDIT: Double Post

Edited April 17, 2018 by ChrisJones
Double Post

[Born Hunter 17,637]

2 minutes ago, John d said:

Born in all honesty have you had much dealings with the police?? Ever actually been arrested yourself or been to prison??

I'm not sure it'd matter to you if I was the Attorney General or Al Capone. You're just looking for ways to discredit my opinion. Do I really have to be under criminal investigation to have an informed opinion the law? I understand due process and the justice system well enough for this. Do I have to have been involved with relationship abuse to have an opinion on this law? Why does this always have to be personal? Can we just challenge each other points?

I don't need you to say "you win Born" so I can bask in the glory. lol. We can just disagree on this. Personally I like you and others challenging my views with a perhaps unconsidered ways of looking at things. It's a chance for growth.

[ChrisJones 7,973]

1 minute ago, Born Hunter said:

Personally I like you and others challenging my views with a perhaps unconsidered ways of looking at things. It's a chance for growth.

Agreed. We've had some decent threads in here recently. We could go in Running Dogs and argue about grassing instead...