Blackbriar 8,568 Posted December 15, 2017 Report Share Posted December 15, 2017 On 07/12/2017 at 03:18, hawki said: Dirty Derek our local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he's decided to stick it out for another year! Last week , it was so cold that he was jumping in front of women and describing himself ! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
neil cooney 10,415 Posted December 15, 2017 Report Share Posted December 15, 2017 4 hours ago, walshie said: Son: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: It's coz your Mum loves Easter. It's an anagram. Son: Thanks Dad. Dad: No problem Alan. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ginger beard 4,652 Posted December 15, 2017 Report Share Posted December 15, 2017 4 hours ago, walshie said: Son: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: It's coz your Mum loves Easter. It's an anagram. Son: Thanks Dad. Dad: No problem Alan. One of the vets at work is called Anna but spelt ana because she Spanish so I put an l at the end. She went nuts at me Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ginger beard 4,652 Posted December 15, 2017 Report Share Posted December 15, 2017 What's got 13 windows that won't open.? Keith cegwins advent calender. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Gain 1,759 Posted December 17, 2017 Report Share Posted December 17, 2017 I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. 3 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 7,501 Posted December 19, 2017 Report Share Posted December 19, 2017 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
walshie 2,804 Posted December 19, 2017 Report Share Posted December 19, 2017 I saw a shop advertising that they did oil paintings from a photograph. I thought I'd treat my wife for Christmas so I took a photo of her in and they told me to come back in a week. When I went back to collect the painting, to say I was disappointed is an understatement. They hadn't used oils at all, but acrylics and it looked terrible. I held the painting of my wife up yelling, "This is no oil painting." The man in the shop said, "Don't shout at me, you married her." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ginger beard 4,652 Posted December 19, 2017 Report Share Posted December 19, 2017 23 minutes ago, walshie said: I saw a shop advertising that they did oil paintings from a photograph. I thought I'd treat my wife for Christmas so I took a photo of her in and they told me to come back in a week. When I went back to collect the painting, to say I was disappointed is an understatement. They hadn't used oils at all, but acrylics and it looked terrible. I held the painting of my wife up yelling, "This is no oil painting." The man in the shop said, "Don't shout at me, you married her." It doesn't need a punch line ,you can guess it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
neil cooney 10,415 Posted December 19, 2017 Report Share Posted December 19, 2017 A chap tries to get into a nightclub but the bouncer stops him for not wearing a tie. He walks back to his car but then gets an idea. He takes the jumper cables out of the boot, put them around his neck and ties them like a tie. He goes back to the door of the club and asks the bouncer was he OK now ? "OK, " says the bouncer "you can go in, but don't start anything." 1 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,568 Posted December 20, 2017 Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 Which computer is the best singer ? A Dell ! (Which way is the cloakroom ?) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,568 Posted December 20, 2017 Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 I went to see my doctor the other day. I told him "I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. All day long, non-stop - I can't get it out of my head. It's driving me nuts !" He said "I think you've got Tom Jones syndrome." I asked "Is it rare ?" He said "It's not unusual !" (Taxi !) 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dave88 1,565 Posted December 20, 2017 Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 A vegan said to me "People who sell meat are gross" I said "People who sell fruit and veg are grocer" 4 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,568 Posted December 21, 2017 Report Share Posted December 21, 2017 I've got a Blur alarm clock. It wakes me up at 7am every morning - except on Wednesdays.............. (You'll all be glad to know that I've got loads of these.........) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chaff 3,411 Posted December 21, 2017 Report Share Posted December 21, 2017 1 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 7,501 Posted December 21, 2017 Report Share Posted December 21, 2017 44 minutes ago, Chaff said: https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=video&cd=12&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjz9amchZzYAhXCDcAKHVemCpU4ChC3AggsMAE&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DKBcqd3cFRDU&usg=AOvVaw09z9c3xfOFLwI2IDpQMDV7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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