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Funny Joke Thread

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Bloke buys a Cockney Parrot but gets sick of it saying, "I'm from London and I'm hard as f**k!" so he puts a Kestrel in its cage. Next morning, he finds the Kestrel dead and the Parrot says, " I'm from London and I'm hard as f**k!" so the bloke puts a Golden Eagle in the cage. Next morning he finds the Eagle dead and the Parrot with no feathers! As he looks in the cage, the Parrot says, " Had to take me coat off for that f****r!

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A guy goes to the library and asks do you have the book sex for men with small penises ? The Librarian says Its just in he replies that's the one

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What did the nappy say to the washing machine?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you trying to take the piss out of me!

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Its the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. No, says the neighbour. The seat is empty. This is incredible, said the man. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it? The neighbour says, Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we havent been to together since we got married. Oh, Im so sorry to hear that. Thats terrible.But couldnt you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat? The man shakes his head. No, they are all at the funeral'

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Did you hear about the gang of dyslexic vigilantes they have just beaten up Jimmy Somerville.

 

Are they the same dyslexic vigilantes that beat up a guy called Paddy O'Farrell ?

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Bloke buys a Cockney Parrot but gets sick of it saying, "I'm from London and I'm hard as f**k!" so he puts a Kestrel in its cage. Next morning, he finds the Kestrel dead and the Parrot says, " I'm from London and I'm hard as f**k!" so the bloke puts a Golden Eagle in the cage. Next morning he finds the Eagle dead and the Parrot with no feathers! As he looks in the cage, the Parrot says, " Had to take me coat off for that f****r!

that was a cracker :D

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What do you call a rabbit with a bent penis?..................................Fooks funny

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs,......

 

 

 

 

 

 

A wonkey

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One dyslexic guy says to another "here pal can ye smell gas?" The other replys "sorry mate I can't even smell my own name!"

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Micky Mouse and Minnie Mouse go to a marriage guidance Councillor to sort out their problems.

After an hour of talking to them the Councillor says "Mr Mouse, your wife being ugly is no reason for a divorce."

Micky Mouse replies "I didn't say she was ugly, I said she's f***ing Goofy."

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It's a f***ing sad day when the lamp post near my house has more cards and flowers than me on valentines day..

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One dyslexic guy says to another "here pal can ye smell gas?" The other replys "sorry mate I can't even smell my own name!"

 

Ive read this twice and pmsl twice and ill read it again later for a giggle

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The Pope ,Bob Geldoff, Michael Jackson and a boy scout were on a two engined plane crossing the Atlantic......

 

.the captain suddenly announced that they had engine problems and he was shutting down number one engine because of a fire........he also said not to worry as the plane was perfectly capable of making its destination on one engine

 

The plane carried on for another hour when suddenly the captain announced that he had lost number 2 engine and the plane was going into a shallow dive towards the sea also he and the co-pilot were now bailing out

 

The Pope said to the boy scout "quickly find some parachutes"....the boy scout scurried around and came back with 3 chutes and said "thats all there is Holy Father"........the Pope said "being that i am nearest to god i will have to decide who lives and dies"........he turned to Bob Geldoff and said "for all your charity work here have a parachute".....

 

Bob strapped it on and jumped out

 

He then said to Michael Jackson "for all your music that makes people happy here have a parachute"

 

Michael strapped it on and jumped out

 

The boy scout turned to the pope and said "well thats it i guess i will be the one to die because you are the holy father and need to survive"

 

The Pope then said to the boy "look down here my son" the boy scout looked down and there was two parachutes...."Holy father its a miracle we are both saved"...the Pope turned to the boy scout and said........" IT IS NO MIRACLE MY SON I JUST GAVE THAT BLACK B#####RD A RUCKSACK"

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