Jump to content


Photo

Funny Joke Thread


  • Please log in to reply
917 replies to this topic

#1 forest of dean redneck

forest of dean redneck

    Extreme Hunter

  • Donator
  • 10,749 posts
  • Location:not saying lol

Posted 13 February 2016 - 08:22 am

To long to fit on the status,so done a thread put funny jokes up,here's one to start off
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign
hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment,
he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the
three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile,
"Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are
you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your damn
hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
  • king, marshman, rob190364 and 6 others like this

#2 walshie

walshie

    "English Dai"

  • Moderator
  • 15,694 posts
  • Location:GPS signal lost

Posted 13 February 2016 - 09:07 am

Knock knock

 

Who's there?

 

Interrupting cow

 

Inter.....

 

MOOOOO! :laugh:  



#3 forest of dean redneck

forest of dean redneck

    Extreme Hunter

  • Donator
  • 10,749 posts
  • Location:not saying lol

Posted 13 February 2016 - 09:11 am

Ffs walshie lol

#4 ArchieHood

ArchieHood

    Extreme Hunter

  • Donator
  • 3,290 posts
  • Location:sʌmərsɨt

Posted 13 February 2016 - 09:19 am

I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: "Hardback?" and I was like: "Yeah, and little heads."
  • Dunkanon, rob190364, Slippery_Weasel and 2 others like this

#5 smithie

smithie

    Extreme Hunter

  • Donator
  • 2,454 posts
  • Location:moomin valley

Posted 13 February 2016 - 10:00 am

A man walks into a zoo.

There is only a dog in the zoo.

It’s a shih tzu …


  • forest of dean redneck, marshman, rob190364 and 5 others like this

#6 mad4it

mad4it

    Extreme Hunter

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,586 posts
  • Location:kent england

Posted 13 February 2016 - 10:11 am

A MONTANA COWBOY, A NATIVE AMERICAN AND A MUSLIM ARE WAITING FOR  THEIR PLANE IN A SMALL MONTANA AIRPORT.
 
THE MONTANA COWBOY LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR, CROSSES HIS BOOTS ON A MAGAZINE TABLE AND TIPS HIS BIG SWEAT-STAINED HAT FORWARD OVER HIS FACE.
 
THE WIND OUTSIDE IS BLOWING TUMBLEWEEDS AROUND AND THE OLD WINDSOCK IS FLAPPING, BUT STILL NO PLANE COMES.
 
THE AMERICAN INDIAN CLEARS HIS THROAT AND SOFTLY SPEAKS. "AT  ONE TIME HERE, MY PEOPLE WERE MANY, BUT SADLY, NOW WE ARE FEW."

THE MUSLIM STUDENT RAISES AN EYEBROW AND LEANS FORWARD, "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE FEW," HE SNEERS, AND NOW WE ARE MANY. WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT IS?"
 
THE MONTANA COWBOY SHIFTS HIS TOOTHPICK TO ONE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH, AND FROM THE DARKNESS BENEATH HIS STETSON SAYS IN A DRAWL :
 
"THAT'S CAUSE WE AIN'T PLAYED COWBOYS & MUSLIMS YET, BUT I DO BELIEVE IT'S A-COMIN".

  • forest of dean redneck, king, bullcross13 and 16 others like this

#7 Welsh_red

Welsh_red

    Extreme Hunter

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,170 posts
  • Location:wales

Posted 13 February 2016 - 10:33 am

A rich man and a poor man meet just before Christmas every year to discuss what they got their wives for Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas , the rich man replies

"I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes . If she doesn't like the diamond ring she can always drive around in the Mercedes "

The poor man nods in agreement . The rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for Christmas . The poor man replies

" I got her a new iron and a dildo , if she doesn't like the iron she can go f**k herself "
  • forest of dean redneck, rob190364, jeppi26 and 4 others like this

#8 hjckcff

hjckcff

    Extreme Hunter

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 879 posts
  • Location:scotland

Posted 13 February 2016 - 11:17 am

THE MAN WHO INVENTED PREDICTATEXT DIED YESTERDAY............................HIS FUNFARE IS ON MONKEY.  :D


  • steve66, rob190364 and crowsnest like this

#9 abarrett

abarrett

    Mega Hunter

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 588 posts
  • Location:Staffordshire

Posted 13 February 2016 - 11:33 am

It's a common fact that very few women propose to men
The reason for this is
If a woman stands in front of a man then goes down on one knee
The man will without a doubt unzip

#10 underground

underground

    Born Hunter

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 57 posts
  • Location:leicestershire

Posted 13 February 2016 - 12:13 pm

I sold my Hoover yesterday........... well it was only collecting dust!

#11 jacknife

jacknife

    Extreme Hunter

  • Donator
  • 2,265 posts
  • Location:Newcastle

Posted 13 February 2016 - 12:32 pm

What do you call a muslim who has a goat and a camel

Bisexual
  • noddy10, hawki, peterhunter86 and 1 other like this

#12 Mister Gain

Mister Gain

    Extreme Hunter

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 889 posts
  • Location:Southeast London

Posted 13 February 2016 - 12:38 pm

My new business is doing really well, I buy ex-military land mines and turn them into prayer mats, prophets just keep going through the roof.


  • devon flighter, Dunkanon, tillylamp and 9 others like this

#13 king

king

    Extreme Hunter

  • Donator
  • 4,833 posts
  • Location:Laughing in Welsh

Posted 13 February 2016 - 01:03 pm

Did you hear about the gang of dyslexic vigilantes they have just beaten up Jimmy Somerville.
  • hawki and peterhunter86 like this

#14 mad4it

mad4it

    Extreme Hunter

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,586 posts
  • Location:kent england

Posted 13 February 2016 - 02:47 pm

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...  

  • ragumup, Dunkanon, Wxm and 7 others like this

#15 mad4it

mad4it

    Extreme Hunter

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,586 posts
  • Location:kent england

Posted 13 February 2016 - 02:49 pm

 SUBJECT: FW: Regimental choice

> >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> A Scottish Soldier, in
> > >> full dress uniform, marches
> > >> into a pharmacy.
> > >>
> > >> Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded 
> > >> cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square 
> > >> handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
> > >>
> > >> The condom has a number of patches on it.
> > >>
> > >> The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
> > >>
> > >> "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
> > >>
> > >> "Six pence" says the chemist.
> > >>
> > >> "How much for a new one?"
> > >>
> > >> "Ten pence" says the chemist.
> > >>
> > >> The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square
> > >> handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his 
> > >> sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt 
> > >> swinging.
> > >>
> > >> A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up 
> > >> outside, followed by an even greater shout.
> > >>
> > >> The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist’s and addresses 
> > >> the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
> > >>
> > >> "The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
> > >> We'll have a new one."
> > >


  • Mickey Finn, The Seeker and peterhunter86 like this




3 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users


    Bing (3)