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Funny Joke Thread

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To long to fit on the status,so done a thread put funny jokes up,here's one to start off

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign

hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment,

he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the

three exceptionally attractive blondes serving

drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile,

"Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are

you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

The man replies, "Well wash your damn

hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: "Hardback?" and I was like: "Yeah, and little heads."

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A MONTANA COWBOY, A NATIVE AMERICAN AND A MUSLIM ARE WAITING FOR THEIR PLANE IN A SMALL MONTANA AIRPORT.
THE MONTANA COWBOY LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR, CROSSES HIS BOOTS ON A MAGAZINE TABLE AND TIPS HIS BIG SWEAT-STAINED HAT FORWARD OVER HIS FACE.
THE WIND OUTSIDE IS BLOWING TUMBLEWEEDS AROUND AND THE OLD WINDSOCK IS FLAPPING, BUT STILL NO PLANE COMES.

THE AMERICAN INDIAN CLEARS HIS THROAT AND SOFTLY SPEAKS. "AT ONE TIME HERE, MY PEOPLE WERE MANY, BUT SADLY, NOW WE ARE FEW."

THE MUSLIM STUDENT RAISES AN EYEBROW AND LEANS FORWARD, "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE FEW," HE SNEERS, AND NOW WE ARE MANY. WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT IS?"

THE MONTANA COWBOY SHIFTS HIS TOOTHPICK TO ONE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH, AND FROM THE DARKNESS BENEATH HIS STETSON SAYS IN A DRAWL :

"THAT'S CAUSE WE AIN'T PLAYED COWBOYS & MUSLIMS YET, BUT I DO BELIEVE IT'S A-COMIN".

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A rich man and a poor man meet just before Christmas every year to discuss what they got their wives for Christmas

 

The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas , the rich man replies

 

"I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes . If she doesn't like the diamond ring she can always drive around in the Mercedes "

 

The poor man nods in agreement . The rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for Christmas . The poor man replies

 

" I got her a new iron and a dildo , if she doesn't like the iron she can go f**k herself "

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THE MAN WHO INVENTED PREDICTATEXT DIED YESTERDAY............................HIS FUNFARE IS ON MONKEY. :D

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It's a common fact that very few women propose to men

The reason for this is

If a woman stands in front of a man then goes down on one knee

The man will without a doubt unzip

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My new business is doing really well, I buy ex-military land mines and turn them into prayer mats, prophets just keep going through the roof.

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Did you hear about the gang of dyslexic vigilantes they have just beaten up Jimmy Somerville.

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"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

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SUBJECT: FW: Regimental choice

>

> >>

> > >>

> > >>

> > >> A Scottish Soldier, in

> > >> full dress uniform, marches

> > >> into a pharmacy.

> > >>

> > >> Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded

> > >> cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square

> > >> handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

> > >>

> > >> The condom has a number of patches on it.

> > >>

> > >> The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

> > >>

> > >> "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

> > >>

> > >> "Six pence" says the chemist.

> > >>

> > >> "How much for a new one?"

> > >>

> > >> "Ten pence" says the chemist.

> > >>

> > >> The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square

> > >> handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his

> > >> sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt

> > >> swinging.

> > >>

> > >> A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up

> > >> outside, followed by an even greater shout.

> > >>

> > >> The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist’s and addresses

> > >> the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

> > >>

> > >> "The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

> > >> We'll have a new one."

> > >

>

>

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