joke time

[shaun v 3]

dont forget to watch top of the pops tonight , a new dyslexic lesbian duo are singing there new song, IS THIS THE WAY TO RAM A DILDO.

[Flynn 314]

From My Nursey Mates :11:

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way

out

>

>to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination

man

>is

>coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into

the

>

>two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him

where

>

>the cow is when he gets here, okay?" And he leaves for the fields.

>

>After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on

the

>

>front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long

row

>

>of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.

>This one right here."

>

>Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another

ditzy

>

>blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

>

>That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

>

>Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

>

>I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

>

>

>A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came

to

>a

>fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please

Sister,

>

>may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why

later."

>

>The nun agreed to his request.

>

>Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if

she

>had

>seen a soldier running down the road.

>

>She replied, "He went that way".

>

>After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her

skirt

>and

>said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go

to

>

>Iraq."

>

>The nun said she understood.

>

>The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you

have

>

>the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

>

>The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have

seen

>the

>most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to

Iraq

>

>either!"

>******************

>After a long night of love and sex, a young man rolls off a women,

grabs

>a

>cigarette and starts looking for a lighter. After a while, he asks the

women

>if she has one.

>

>"Look in the top drawer", she replies yawning.

>

>He opens the draw and finds a couple of matches laying next to a

picture

>of

>an extremely good-looking man. Naturally, he starts to wonder who it

is

>and

>asks nervously, "Is that your husband?"

>

>"Oh no, don't be silly", she replies and cuddles up to him.

>

>"Your boyfriend?"

>

>"No, no, definitely not", she replies and nibbles his ear.

>

>"Who is it then?" he asks irritably.

>

>"Well", says the women, "if you must know, it's me before the

operation."

>

>***************

>FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS!

>

>Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large

>gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was

>rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been

charged

>

>for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The

>

>Daily Telegraph)

>

>Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole

>salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because

>she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening

>News)

>

>Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

>Because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle

 

>and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The

>Guardian)

>

>A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable

>teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard

>spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The

>Times)

>

>At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard

>On the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was

 

>sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help,

>the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen

>Evening Express)

>

>*******************

>

>

>Making a Baby

>The Smiths had no children, since Mr. Smith couldn't get it up, so

they

>decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

>On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife

and

>said,

>"I'm off. The man should be here soon. Good luck!"

>

>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

rang

>the

>doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

>"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

>"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

>"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty

of

>babies."

>

>"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat.

>Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

>"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch

>and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is

fun

>too;

>you can really spread out."

>

>"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and

me."

>"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if

we

>try

>several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm

sure

>you'll be pleased with the results."

>"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

>"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be

in

>and

>out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

>

>"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of

his

>baby

>pictures. This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

>

>"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

>

>"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their

>mother

>was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.

>Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

>"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Central Park to get

the

>job

>done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to

get

>a

>good look."

>"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

>"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The

>mother

>was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

>Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when

the

>squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

>Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,

er..,

>um..,

>ah.... equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll

set

>up

>my

>tripod so that we can get to work."

>

>"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

>"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big

for

>me

>to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?

>Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

>******************

>

>A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were

staring

>at

>a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted

three

>very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the

figures

>had

>black penises, but the one in the middle ad a pink penis.

>The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble

>interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for

nearly

>half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of

>African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. "In

fact"

>he

>pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also

reflects

>the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in

>contemporary society."

>

>After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said,

>"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why

would

>you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?"

asked

>the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In

fact,

>there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three

Scottish

>coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."